A Journal Entry for the End of the Year

The year coming to a close…what have I learned? Well, I have learned that being grateful puts me in a better space emotionally and spiritually, that being grateful attracts positive things in my life…and being grateful is a big change for me. I have been less than grateful in the past.
I have learned that meditation is a powerful tool and a powerful way for God to directly communicate to me; and a way to relax…focus…take ‘time out’. Meditation is a positive change in my life and has been a big change; it reflects my shift in focus into the spiritual realm, allowing God back into my life, and listening to what God has to say to me. I have been and continue to be grateful and privileged that I am able to talk with and listen to God in my life.

I have learned that God is not this mean entity out to ‘test’ me and punish me when I fail the test – God wants nothing but the best in my life and the more open I am to listening to God, and being aware of opportunities to grow and risk and just ‘be out there’, the more success I have.
I am a remarkable person, I have learned (and am still learning) – I am lovable the way I am. I am worthy of others’ love and I am a worthwhile person – people want to know how I feel as well as what I think. I am lovable…to me.

I trust more than I did at the 1st of this year; I trust more that God is Providing Abundantly to me and to my family. Trust is a big thing, connected to being lovable, being worthwhile, and knowing that God is going to Provide Abundantly. I only need to keep my eyes and ears open for awareness of the opportunity. God DOES Provide.

The Give and Take of Marriage

My wife and I were out during our first major snowfall on Tuesday – picking up various items and enjoying our time together. Our first stop: Bob Evans on Glenway. We really like this place. It’s become our ‘breakfast place to eat’ when we go out for breakfast.

Then it was off to pick up salt for the driveway, and a few groceries. I enjoy my wife’s company. She likes talking, and I enjoy listening to her talk. She doesn’t ‘yammer’ away, talking just to hear herself talk. She has great wit, she’s very intelligent, and is funny. It’s a great arrangement between us. Like cooking; I like to cook, and since she doesn’t, she cleans up. Works well.

There are some things I just can’t bring myself to ‘appreciate’ the way she does. My wife is a huge animal lover. I have two cats because of her. She found Gracie, the calico outside the apartment I was living in, and I let myself be talked into taking in the cat. That was about six or seven years ago. Then last year, there was an orange kitten huddling on my porch from the rain/snow/sleet storm meowing. It was then I took in ‘Puddy’ (named after Elaine’s boyfriend on Seinfeld). I enjoy the cats. They don’t require a lot of maintenance and appreciate my attention. And they can be very affectionate.

Anyway, my wife. I love her, but I can’t bring myself to care about or worry about animals the way she does. We have these two goldfish that go outdoors in the base of this small fountain. She bought a new aquarium because she felt they’d outgrown their old one. She worries about squirrels. Every dog she sees is like listening to someone coo over a baby.

None of this upsets me in any way. It’s part of what I love about her. I do have to smile and shake my head at times, though. Like when we were at Meijer – I was looking for one of those pine-scented candles (I love the smell of those things) and asked her to check for them in another part of the store. When we met back up, she informed me that she’d gotten distracted looking at the fish and that I needed to come over and look at the cute ‘molly’s’. I think she feels sad for me because I don’t see the simple beauty (or whatever) in fish.

But, that’s a reason I love her so much. She appreciates things like that and I think of sushi.

Donut, Dounut or Doughnut?

"You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left." – Itzhak Perlman


Recently, my 24 year old son got a dog. A puppy. The thing must have been really young, it was very tiny. My wife told me later she thought it was like 6 or 7 weeks old. I’m not big on identifying what breed a dog is. It’s big or small, short or long haired, and house-broken or not. That’s about it for me.

And I really enjoy dogs. We have three of them. They all live downstairs with my wife. (Another blog for another day that talks about our living arrangement which works so very well for us.) We rescued 2, and the third is a Pomeranian. I have 2 cats, Gracie and Puddy, so I guess I am a ‘cat person’ although I don’t think of myself like that.

Anyway, back to ‘Dounut’ the dog that belongs to my son. (Ed. note: rainie notes that the spelling of the dog's name has not yet been confirmed with the son. The spelling here is Dennis's version). Yeah, he called to tell me about this and I worried some about the dog. Would my son take care of the dog? Knowing my son as I do, my worry was that the dog was a short term interest for him. Once the newness of the dog wore off, he’d stop paying attention to it, and the dog would be left to fend for itself (Ed. note: Dennis's worst fear was that his editor...errr...wife would intervene on behalf of the puppy).

I have been very pleasantly surprised. My son has had this dog now for 3 months. He takes Dounut everywhere he goes, and they’ve really bonded. It’s so cool to watch them. One evening recently my son calls me to say, ‘Dad, this dog gets me up every 2 hours at night to go to the bathroom’. I said, ‘well that’s good practice for when you have kids’.

My son has done really well with Dounut. They come over on Monday evenings to watch football, and my wife comes up to visit with them. She and my son have developed a cool relationship over Dounut. That’s been fun to watch.

My wife tells me I am now a ‘grandpa’ and she’s ‘grammy’ to Dounut. She’ll talk to Dounut and say, ‘go see grandpa’ – I am sighing and rolling my eyes as I write this.

Life is really good. I have the love of my family and Dounut.

Are You A Scrouge?

Ahh…the holidays. Probably the most fun and one of the most stressful times of the year for people. Most look forward to the beauty of the season, lights and decorations, gifts to give and get, and spending quality time with friends and family.

I don’t like being a wet blanket about this, but for a lot of people, the holiday season is not so good. People struggle with past and many times ongoing family problems. And it’s not like the movies. It’s not a comedy, and problems aren’t resolved for a happy ending in the space of the 2 hours. Sometimes family life growing up was not so good. And it’s not easy spending time with people who should have been loving and protective and kind, but were not.

And society pressures each of us to have close relationships with family, enjoy our time together, and love each other. This makes life even more difficult for those who don’t like their family so much.

I offer to everyone that each day is a new day. Each day offers you an opportunity to begin healing from your wounds, and letting your past be in the past and not rule your present.

What I like about this time of year is the theme of healing and love. Embrace that theme, and if you don’t know how, or where to start, find someone who can help you do this.

Community Energy

So it’s over – we stayed up to watch the election results, McCain’s and Obama’s speeches. My wife cried during Obama’s speech.

I am so glad it’s done. I was very tired of all the political ads and the negative energy that was expended. It’s funny – all that money spent on so much negativism. I really found it disturbing to me in a very deep way. I noticed that today, I had more energy, and I was in a better ‘space’.

While a lot’s changed, many people remain in the same dire straits, with the holidays coming on us. It’s going to be an interesting time this year. I spend time meditating and sending positive energy into the world, this country, and this community. I’d recommend we all do the same. I believe the more of us that put this energy out into the world, the more change we’ll see.

So I’m putting out there, once a month, to gather for a community meditative experience. Let’s get together and combine this positive energy and send it out into the world.

Let me know if you’re open to doing this with me. Email me at dennis@cincinnatitherapyguy.com

Namaste

Early Voting in Cincinnati

My wife and I went out to vote Saturday, during early voting at the Board of Elections here in Hamilton County. For those who don’t know where the Board of Elections is, it’s located on Broadway, between East 8th and East 9th Streets.

We arrived at 9am; I had my coffee in hand. The line to vote stretched from Broadway, down and around the block onto Eggleston Avenue. It was long. We got into line, and almost immediately my wife began short conversations with others also standing in line. It wasn’t long until there were probably a half-dozen of us talking and laughing. We decided to make a ‘coffee and donut run’ but Servatii’s wasn’t open. Settling on crepes and coffee we returned to find the line had moved, but we were far from voting.

It was entertaining. A small horse was paraded up and down the line with an ‘Obama’ sign on it. People were working the line, talking about why we should or should not vote for a particular issue. We saw several politicians. We were not focusing on who’s a democrat or republican – we were entertaining ourselves, passing the time waiting to vote. Occasionally members of our party, including my wife would briefly engage in how and why political views differed.
No one engaged in name calling. Everyone remained civil and friendly with each other. Which, I thought was very interesting because several members of our little group had very different political views.

I have always thought, and this weekend confirmed my belief, that people have a very difficult time being disrespectful, angry, and hateful towards others with different views when in their presence. I know there are some exceptions to this rule. But, I believe that when we stand next to each other, look each other in the eye, even if we don’t or won’t ever agree with another’s view, we see that we’re all just people. We have parents, children, and a sense of humor, likes and dislikes.

We shared a lot with each other. I am thankful my wife suggested we vote Saturday.

Election Day is Almost Here!

The election is almost here. And boy, am I glad. I am so tired of all the political commercials; and they’re numbers are increasing as the election approaches. I figure it’s probably because people don’t have a lot of money, so they wait until the end to run their commercials. Gotta figure they’re hoping that people vote for the person remembered from the most recent commercial aired. If that’s the case, it’s: 1) sad and 2) scary.

I was talking with a friend last night and we spoke about how we vow that we’re not going to get ‘hooked’ into all the election coverage hoopla, yet we find ourselves just in that very spot. Even my wife has been spending most of her time perusing the networks and cable stations looking at what’s being said today about the candidates. It’s disturbing to me. I keep telling her I’ll be glad when I get my wife back. Then I tease her about which candidate is going to get my vote. Of course I tell her ‘I’m kidding!’ otherwise I’d have to sleep with one eye open.

So, I’ll be glad when it’s done. The problems continue, and my concerns as well about the violence increasing in our country. A lot of people feel isolated, scared, and hopeless.
There is hope for people, let’s talk and find that hope.

October!

October – one of my favorite months in the year – the weather’s turning, but it’s not gotten outright cold yet, football is in full swing, we get an extra hour sleep when we turn our clocks back!

A favorite thing for me to do during this month is to rent/watch scary movies. I remember when my kids were growing up I’d go to the library and borrow old Frankenstein and Wolfman movies – they were very entertaining even in this day of special effects.

It’s just a lot of fun, even now that my kids are out of the home, we’ll talk on the phone and laugh about ‘scary movie month’. A good bonding time for us.

Anyway, my point is to have fun. I don’t want to ever lose the ability to have a good time. That’s my hope for you as well.

There have been an increasing number of violent occurrences in the past couple of months. People shooting themselves and others, leaving many to wonder ‘why did they go to that extreme’?

These extreme acts of violence say that some people come to believe there is no other viable alternative. They have tried all the things they know to make their problems better without much, if any success. They may have even tried some solutions they would have never considered before their final decision to use violence.

Most of the problems that come up in our lives can be improved, if not eliminated pretty quickly by doing something; making some change or changes in our lives. These financial problems we’re experiencing are not so immediately or drastically impacted by these changes we make.

So what to do when facing problems that are going to have long term effects in life.

I have a couple of suggestions:

1. Talk – don’t stop talking –even when you know your family and friends are ‘sick of hearing it’ keep on talking. As Shrek said, ‘it’s better out than in’ – wise words.
2. Stay in touch with others – continue meeting with friends
3. What’s really important? I am reminded of people who survive natural disasters say things like; ‘we may have lost everything, but we survived’.
4. Focus on today, the now – not tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. You can influence today. What you do today, can influence tomorrow.
5. Focus on today, the now – not yesterday, last week, last month or last year. What’s done is done.
6. Laugh. Find things that are funny and laugh.
7. Cry. It’s ok to do this. Be careful that it is not the only thing you do.
8. Get out for walks or exercise. This uses excess energy and you’ll feel better.
9. Love. Spend time with loved ones to support and be supported.
10. Be grateful for what we have. We often spend so much time on what we don’t have that we ignore those things we have. Even the little things. I’m grateful for the coffee I’m drinking right now.
11. Call the companies you owe money to and speak with them about your difficulties. Most often they’ll work with you. They want their money.
12. Get counseling. It’s always helpful to spend time talking with someone who can be more objective and can offer suggestions.

We’re all in this together. Each of us has a stake in how this turns out.

Intolerance

I have had a growing uneasy feeling over the past several months, but unable to put a finger it. I was finally able to figure it out reading the online edition of the Cincinnati Enquirer and the comments people make to articles, opinions, and letters to the editor.

Before I make my comment I want to clarify this isn’t about everyone. And I understand that not all who read the paper make comments, in fact, I’d bet most don’t. And my observation doesn’t include everyone who makes comments. But I’ve become very aware of how intolerant we are toward each other.

Merriam-Webster defines intolerance as ‘unwilling to grant equal freedom of expression especially in religious matters’ and ‘unwilling to grant or share social, political, or professional rights.’

We as a society; you and me see or hear people being intolerant of each other’s ideas and opinions every day of the week. And not just in the printed paper, but on television and the radio. It seems to me that underneath most of the intolerance is anger and frustration, in my opinion driven by fear.

We very quickly resort to name calling and veiled (although sometimes not so veiled) threats toward each other. The frequency, intensity and how quickly it becomes so intense amazes me. And I believe these are intelligent, thoughtful people. It’s interesting to me that we share very real concerns about the violence of our youth, and yet we so quickly verbally attack each other. Are we teaching our youth to be intolerant?

I recognize we’re not going to agree with each other, believe me. And I believe it’s important to talk about our disagreements with vigor and energy. But I think we’ve gone too far when making statements that either directly or indirectly demean another person in some way.

Practicing tolerance (Merriam-Webster: ‘to endure, to put up with’) doesn’t mean we have to agree or like what we hear, see or read.

My Big Adventure!

Like a lot of others, I lost power last Sunday – watching the Bengals play, my T.V. going off, coming on, going off, coming on, then finally going off – I went outside to see kids running up and down the sidewalk, laughing and screaming – then I heard ‘pop’! and saw a large tree branch fall into the yard across the street, leaves and dirt being thrown by the wind down the block.

Then one of the branches from my tree falls into my neighbor’s yard. ‘Great’, I thought, although I was looking forward to using my chainsaw again. I went in for a minute, returning to my porch to find a much larger branch from my tree had fallen halfway into my neighbor’s yard, bending my chain-link fence almost to the ground. And one of my slate shingles point-first in the ground – impressive.

By the time it was over, which seemed to me almost as quickly as it had arrived, several shingles had been blown from my roof. I took several tours around my home, checking for damage I could see or find, and satisfied, I decided to call my insurance company and report my damage.

I was figuring that I’d be lucky to get power back Sunday, so I began searching for the ever-elusive flashlights and a transistor radio my son had gotten me for my birthday, which I couldn’t find.

So last Monday was a wash regarding work – I spent my day calling roofers, fence people, and cutting up the smaller of the 2 tree branches. I did find that radio and began listening to what people were saying. It was interesting to say the least.

More to follow on my Big Adventure!!

On Finding an Office and Open House

So I’m getting ready for my open house – coming up Thursday, Sept 4th – I really like my office space. It’s relaxing, which is good since I do counseling and hypnosis there. I have this piece of furniture, it’s not a couch, but not a bed – it’s kind of like one of those pool deck recliners without arms – I can adjust the head from flat to different angles. It’s great for hypnosis.

I was driving around Cincinnati looking for space and almost rented at Longworth Hall, down near the Bengal’s stadium. Great office space and lots of free parking. But when I told the lady that there are times when doing work with couples they get angry and raise their voices toward each other, (yes this does happen in therapy) I was shown the door. Quiet place there.

So, I drove around with my notebook and pen, looking for potential space. I ran into a couple problems. The first was space itself. There’s lots of space out there, but not much small space. I don’t need much. I am in private practice by myself. I needed space large enough for when I facilitate small workshops, maybe 12 – 15 people but not much more than that. People have lots of space to rent. I mean lots of space. Like a couple thousand square feet – and while no one laughed and hung up on me, I quickly realized just how small a fish I am.

The second problem really surprised me. I’d drive by some place, see an advertisement, and write down the number. I’d call, leave a voicemail with my phone number and information that I wanted to see the space. Many times I never received a return phone call. That was odd. I figured people wanted to rent space.

I found my office on one of my trips. I was driving down Montgomery Road, into Silverton when I saw the advertisement for office space on this cool looking building. I called, they called me back, and voila`! I am now in an office about a mile west of the Kenwood Towne Center, on the corner of Montgomery Road and Silverton Avenue. I now can see people on the west and east side of the city.

So if you’re reading this, you’re invited to my open house on Sept. 4th, from 4:30 – 7:30pm at 6900 Silverton Avenue. There’s free parking behind the building, and those who come will be entered for a chance to win a free hypnosis session. And I’ll have drinks and hors d’oeurves. All are welcome. All are welcome.

Open House - You're Invited!

Cincinnati Therapy Guy – Keeping Cincinnati Sane

You’re Invited! Thursday, September 4th from 4:30 – 7:30pm

The Cincinnati Therapy Guy Opens His Newest Office


You’re in a dead-end job; your spouse isn’t speaking to you; at 28 you’ve just moved back home with your parents; and you still haven’t recovered from the loss of ‘Fluffy’. So now how do you get your life back on track? Call the guy who’s keeping Cincinnati sane: The Cincinnati Therapy Guy. He’s hosting an open house at his newest office in Silverton.

Dennis sees couples, families, and individuals for a variety of issues. He provides hypnotherapy to treat a number of concerns including past trauma, smoking cessation, weight loss, and anxiety. He offers a variety of workshops on wellness, parenting, meditation and spirituality, and he is available for speaking engagements. He has recently expanded his practice to include an office at 6900 Silverton Avenue. The open house will be held on Thursday, September 4th from 4:30 – 7:30pm. You are invited to stop in, have a look around the new office, and chat with Dennis. Attendees will be enrolled for a chance to win a free hypnotherapy session, a $75.00 value. We hope to see you there!

Dennis is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor with Supervisor Endorsement. He received his Master’s degree in counseling from Wright State University and has been working for 33 years in the mental health field. He belongs to several professional organizations including giveanhour.org – donating his time providing counseling services to veterans returning from Iraq and their families.

For more information, visit his website at http://www.cincinnatitherapyguy.com/, call 471-2250, or email Dennis at dennis@cincinnatitherapy.com and we will reply as soon as possible.

We all Need Someone to Lean On...

I was thinking the other day about the people I’ve worked with over the years – other ‘professionals’, co-workers, not clients.

I had heard when I was looking at working in counseling that some people got into counseling because of their own ‘unresolved’ issues. I remember thinking something like ‘well, I can see that, but there shouldn’t be too many of these kinds of people’.

Well, as it turns out the woods are full of them. I have attended countless workshops over the years, and worked with a number of people who have been working in the field for years, and those who’ve just graduated and starting out.

People in this field working out their own stuff usually come in one of two categories. The first being the openly weird. These folks have a number of issues. Usually every subject brought up is somehow directly connected to them. In a very personal way. They are easily moved to tears, very compassionate, and share how they either 1; overcame whatever problem you have 2; know a support group you can go to (and there are times they’ll offer to personally take you to the group) or 3; how they continue to struggle with the problem, winning some battles, losing some.

I must admit, they drive me crazy in workshops. They have a story for everything brought up. They love to do exercises in the workshop. Exercises are points in a workshop where the facilitator ‘encourages’ everyone to participate by doing something to help make his or her point impact everyone ‘on a personal level’. These people are usually very excited and look around at others sitting near to say ‘we’re in a group, right?’ I don’t mind people being enthusiastic, but they take it to a whole new level. Downright perky. And they want to hug. Every chance they get.

The second group is comprised of those who are weird, but are able to hide it somehow. I’ve worked in supervisory positions, responsible for hiring staff. I’ve interviewed my fair share of this group – in an interview they’re able to present with knowledge of how to work with clientele, clear, strong boundaries, good ‘people’ skills, and an understanding of, and agreement the company’s rules are fair and suitable. They cruise through follow up interviews and get the job.

These people begin showing their weirdness after working for a while. The time varies. I think of it as ‘they begin to crack’ and their real selves begin showing. Usually it starts with little things. Like coming into work late, which in and of itself is not a problem, but it becomes more than ‘once in a while’. When spoken to, they talk about reasons why they’re late. Never their fault. Ever. Then, they begin having ‘people problems’. They may get hostile toward co-workers, but usually not in a very open way. And when spoken to about this, they talk about how they’re ‘misunderstood’. They begin falling behind on paperwork. And then a client may make a complaint about how they felt they were treated by the staff person. And each time they’re spoken to, they have a reason, they justify their actions, or they were misunderstood. Then they do better for a while. Depending on how well put together they are, they may do well for a month or two, but sometimes they can’t keep it together that long and begin ‘cracking’ again after a week or two.

I’ve seen people like this just get up, walk out of the office and never return. If that doesn’t happen, I’ve had to fire people. In spite of all the evidence I have, in paper trails I’ve compiled, they are truly pissed off. They have been wronged, and ‘railroaded’ and unfairly treated. But thankfully, I’ve always had my ‘ducks in a row’ so to speak, making it difficult for them to logically argue their point. And I have had another supervisor with me when I’ve disciplined or fired people for two reasons; 1; a witness to report what happened and 2; a body I can throw in front of me if the person becomes violent.

Thank God I’m the sane one.

Can't Get No...

Sex – one of the most sensitive issues people deal with – either individually or as a couple.

One of the more common problems I’ve seen has been E.D., or erectile dysfunction. I have worked with guys individually and couples regarding this problem. While the advent of the ‘little blue pill’ has decreased the number of people coming to me with this problem, I still see people with this concern.

While it can be a funny topic and easy to joke about, when it becomes a personal problem it can be embarrassing and isolating. Typically the guy isn’t talking to anyone about this, and let’s face it: this is not something we guys usually sit down over a beer and say to our friends, ‘I can’t get an erection’.

And I’ve found that talking to your spouse or partner can be just as difficult. I was seeing a couple who was in a strong relationship but had been having difficulties sexually for several months. He couldn’t get an erection, or, when he did, he could not maintain an erection. They tried everything they could think of to make it better without success. The final straw for them was one evening after yet another failure for them sexually, his wife began sobbing while leaning over the guy’s penis. I try not to picture that.

There are lots of factors that can contribute to this kind or type of problem. The first thing to rule out is any medical problem. I’ll ask if that has been checked out. If not, then I instruct them to do so. A medical problem may be easily resolved. Some common medications can also cause E.D. and men should discuss this frustrating side effect with their doctor.

Another very common problem people have that impacts them sexually is stress. The thing about stress is when you’re experiencing stress, you usually don’t see it or aren’t aware of it. This is especially true if the stress has been going on for a while. Many times I’ve seen this problem resolve itself when the stress or stressors have been identified and either effectively dealt with or resolved.

Another possible concern is this sexual concern may be related to a relationship problem with your partner or wife. This has the potential to be serious; but then, maybe not. I’ve seen problems resolved when couples hold meaningful conversations. There are times when, during a conversation or over the course of several conversations, each becomes aware that there are serious issues that need to be addressed and have manifested into a problem with sex. But addressing these issues in counseling can be very helpful. It can completely revive a seemingly dying relationship.

So, while talking with a stranger about ‘not being able to get it up’ is difficult, knowing that you are working with a professional, someone who has training, experience, sensitivity, and objectivity dealing with this concern can be reassuring. I’d suggest you talk with someone.

The Stone in Your Road

I often compare life to a journey along a road – our roads, while discrete, run parallel, intersect, and sometimes converge. At times we share our road, our journey with others – this time varies and it is valuable, for we have opportunities to learn, share, and enjoy.

But, our roads are ultimately our own – and although our journey is individual, one thing we all share is that, along our roads, we encounter stones.

These stones we come upon are both unique and yet common. The stones are unique to each of us, yet everyone has encountered stones. We often hear, as we talk about the stone we face in our road, someone else will speak up and say something like ‘I once had a stone a lot like that. And this is what I did,’ offering advice for dealing with the stone.

Sometimes, we can see a stone from a distance, especially as we’re walking along a particularly straight and easy portion of our road. As the road is straight, and level, and easy to walk, when we see a stone up in front of us, we often grumble, ‘a stone in my road’ – and many people fail to enjoy the road where they’re at – others say something like ‘that stone is far away, and I’m going to enjoy my time right now on the road and worry about the stone later’.

Each approach to this impending stone contains some flaws. The first, as we can see, is that the person cannot enjoy himself right where he’s at, because he worries about what lies ahead. This person cannot be happy because he’s always looking ahead for trouble. He might see the obstacle as a boulder while another person would see only a pebble.

The second person is just the opposite of the first. This person lives a carefree life. He doesn’t worry much about what lies ahead because he spends all his time right where he is and doesn’t look very often, and when he does he ignores upcoming stones. He might be surprised when he trips over the rock, completely unprepared.

Ideally, we are able to find a balance. Like everything else in life. Knowing what lies ahead allows us to plan, and living in the present keeps us from missing the good times in life right now.

So how much balance do you have in your life? Do you fret over what lies ahead? Do you ignore obstacles and hope they’ll go away? How do you deal with the stones in your road?

For the Love of Blog!

My wife has been encouraging me to write blogs – I have some education about blogs – I’ve been reading and leaving comments on various blogs. Writing is not my strongest point, but the more I blog, the better I think I get. I’ve been looking at different types of blogs, looking at various styles of writing, and looking at the frequency of blog entries.

I spend time ‘twittering’ – a place to leave various short comments. I figure this helps improve my writing skills.

Another idea I’ve thought about as I’ve begun blogging is meeting with others who regularly write blogs. Discussing different aspects of blog writing, I figure I could pick up some pointers to help my blog.

So recently I read about a meeting of bloggers this past Saturday. I show up at the coffee shop, looking for this group. Downstairs I see no such meeting taking place. There are people buying coffee – so I figure ‘I’ll go upstairs – that must be where they are’. And as I climb the stairs I hear laughter that sounds great, but also high pitched. I enter the room upstairs to find the blogging group – all women.

And I could have sworn it was just like the old time western movies – the scene where the cowboy walks into the saloon; the music stops playing and everyone’s head turns to see who the new guy is. It was then I realized that I’d completely misread the advertisement. But I had come this far – I was not going to turn and leave. It didn’t help that I was a half-hour late. I’d imagined a group of people, sitting and standing around talking about blogging so I didn’t think I’d be noticed.

Then I made some really stupid comment like ‘wow I’m the only guy here’. Brilliant remark. However, it was then the women bailed me out and welcomed me to their group. So, I sat down and remained quiet for the rest of their structured, well organized and informative meeting. It was the kind of meeting I’ve been looking for. And I’m smart enough to know I won’t make this mistake again.

Trusting the Universe

I used to say, on a regular basis, ‘if you are open to it, or when you trust The Universe, (whatever the person defined as ‘it’, such as looking for positive relationships, or new jobs, that sort of thing) The Universe will provide’. And I meant what I said, but, I think that I took that phrase for granted, or I wasn’t aware of what those words really meant. It was easy for me to say to others. I wasn’t the one who was struggling.

However, I have recently become very aware of what that phrase ‘if you trust The Universe, The Universe will provide’. I have worked in the mental health field for the past thirty years of my life, and over twenty of those years in the public sector. I worked with community mental health agencies, providing various counseling services to those who were indigent or had little or no insurance. I enjoyed my work and was good at what I did.

I had climbed the ladder of success, supervising more staff, and interacting with people from different organizations and companies to help improve relationships between organizations, and build cohesiveness. I continued to see some people, but not many. I had become increasingly dissatisfied with the politics associated with my work.

My wife regularly reminded me that I was good at what I did, and encouraged me to develop a full time private practice. I had been seeing people for counseling on a part time basis for about ten years. This provided me with what I called ‘my cigar money’.

So, with my wife’s full support and encouragement, I quit my job and on April 1st of this year, began working full time in my private practice. A big step for me. I have ‘issues’ around being secure in life, and one of my definitions of security is financial independence.

I was very scared. Not at first, because I still had money coming in from my previous job. But, after that ran out, I started losing sleep.

But, I have continually remembered, ‘trust The Universe and The Universe will provide, and Provide Abundantly’. At times it’s been difficult for me to do this. But, my wife has been very supportive and has gently reminded me that The Universe does Provide. And as I have trusted this, The Universe is Providing to me. Abundantly.

There are times when I still struggle. And I remind myself trusting The Universe is a process, and I am growing. I hate all this growing sometimes. It’s so good for me, but it can be so painful. But, no matter what, I wouldn’t change what I’ve done.

So, I say this with as much love and meaning as I can, understanding a little more about what I am saying, ‘trust The Universe, and The Universe will provide’.

Law of Attraction

People talk to me about ‘why do I always seem to wind up dating some loser’, or ‘how is it that I always pick friends who take advantage of me?’

I believe in the law of attraction. What you, me, any of us focus our thoughts, emotions and energies on in this Universe, we attract to us. People who worry about ‘finding Mr. or Ms. Right’, or ‘am I ever going to find a job I’m happy with’ are sending out into the universe negative energy – their focus is on what they don’t have, and this attracts more of what they don’t have. However, when they focus their thoughts and energies on what they do have, such as ‘I have good friends now and I know I’m going to find Mr. or Ms. Right’, or ‘I am grateful that I have a job and I’m looking forward to the day when I have a job I’m happy with and in’ their energy shifts, sending out positive energy into the universe, and attracting more of what they have. This can be difficult because we live in such a negative world. It seems to me that a lot of people are so pessimistic about life, and if everyone around them is negative, they often take on those same attitudes, which only attracts more negativity.

Changing how you think and focus your energy is not an easy task, especially if you’ve been in this same thought and energy pattern for a while. However, it’s not impossible. One of the things I have found to be helpful, in my life and with others is creating a ‘gratitude list’. This list, which you spend at least 5 minutes every day writing, is a list of those things you are grateful for. The list doesn’t have to be ‘big things’, like, ‘I’m grateful for my car’ (although that can be something to be grateful for), it also includes those everyday things. ‘I’m grateful for this day’ or ‘I’m grateful for breaks at work’. Finding things to be grateful for can be difficult at first, but think of the small things – ‘I’m grateful for having shoes to wear’. Over time your gratitude list will grow – you’ll be focusing on what you have, not what you don’t have, and you’ll begin attracting more of what you want.

It’s about trusting The Universe.

Do the people around you have positive attitudes? Do you draw from the energy of those around you? Do you feel you give off good energy?

What’s up with us guys?

In my time working with couples I’ve seen a pattern – not with every couple that has come to me for counseling, but this one pattern repeats itself...in couple after couple.

It goes like this:

Of the two, the wife or girlfriend has been the most unhappy – reporting that she’s been unhappy with some aspect of the husband’s or boyfriend’s behavior and tells me she’s tried telling him she’s unhappy, but he’s not heard her – she knows this because he’s not acknowledged to her that he’s heard her, and hasn’t changed his behaviors – I then think, ‘well, maybe she’s not telling him what she’s unhappy about very clearly, or she’s giving him ‘mixed messages’ (she tells him she’s unhappy with his behavior one time, and then she’ll give him a message that what he’s doing is ok); but, when I have asked her what she’s done to tell him she is unhappy, she has usually been pretty clear and consistently giving him the same message – ‘I don’t like it when you do ____’ (fill in the blank with a behavior)
She’s been unhappy for a while – usually 6 months or more.

The husband or boyfriend is stunned that she’s unhappy with him. And usually he’s been pretty happy in the relationship.

Now, if what I’ve just said sounds sexist, I’d agree with you. It does. Except, with a lot of couples, it’s also true.

So, I spend time helping the couple communicate in a clear way. One person says something to the other, and, especially when therapy is just starting, I’ll ask the other person what they heard and ask them to repeat the message back. Which brings up another interesting thing – often times, we guys completely miss what’s being said to us. What are we thinking??? So, when, in this case the guy repeats back what he heard his wife or girlfriend say, and it’s really off the mark, she becomes frustrated, often time looking at me and usually says something like, ‘see? He never listens to me!!’ Meanwhile, the guy sits there with this hangdog look on his face, clearly indicating he didn’t get the message.

And what she said to him usually isn’t very complicated. It may be something as simple as ‘you never tell me you love me anymore’. After I remind her that ‘never’ is so absolute, and is probably inaccurate, she then adjusts her statement to reflect ‘I can’t remember the last time you told me you loved me.’ And that she wants to hear him say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. I continue to explore with both their views about each other, and what they want from each other; it is clear to me the guy wants the relationship to continue. He doesn’t want it to end.

So, I’ll assign homework. Something for each of them to do to improve their relationship. I’ll remind each of them that no one is perfect, that there will be mistakes made regarding their homework, but the important thing is whether or not they are at least partially doing their homework.

When they come back, usually they both report being successful completing their homework assignments. And here’s another area where we guys screw up. The guy comes back, proud that he’d done what his wife or girlfriend had asked him to do, and expecting the relationship to be ‘on the mend’, and moving back to ‘being normal again’. The wife though, says something like, ‘I’ve been asking for this for the past 6 months – you doing this just one week doesn’t prove that you’ve really changed.’

So the guy is hurt and pissed. But, is able to recover and recognize that one week doesn’t reflect permanent change. So, they go back out to work some more, and have success; It’s hit some snags, again usually us guys have messed up a couple times, but for the most part it’s been successful.

Now here’s where we guys screw it up, again. After about 3 or maybe 4 weeks of showing her that, except for a few slip ups, changes have been made, and the wife or girlfriend hasn’t ‘gone back’ to how she behaved in their relationship before ‘problems’ existed, the husband or boyfriend gets really angry and says something like ‘I give up’.

Brilliant. That really helps the relationship, and is exactly what she wanted to hear. Not.

My experience as a couples’ therapist is that in the relationship, the female usually complains about something wrong for an extended period of time before being ‘fed up’, while we guys, if we don’t see change pretty quickly, we’ll say ‘it’s not fixable’ and begin moving on.

Again, I want to say this isn’t true in every relationship. But it is a pattern I’ve seen over the years. So guys, does this pattern sound familiar to you? Is it a pattern you’ve been able to overcome? For guys who haven’t run into this, why do you think that is? What do you think you do that these other guys could learn from?

Does Going to a Counselor Mean We Are Breaking Up?

I often see couples for counseling. I’ve heard any number of people say, ‘I tried couples (or marriage) counseling, but it didn’t work for me’ or, another common statement is, ‘I won’t go to a couples’ counselor because I’ll be told we need to split up and I don’t want to hear that’ – On very few occasions in my past 30 years of work have I recommended people ‘split up’ and not continue their relationship. These are times when I have been very concerned about the safety of one or both people, and there are no indications the relationship is going to become safe. Under these conditions I have suggested the couple not remain together for safety reasons.

Of the couples I see, typically one person wants counseling and the other person is, at best, ‘riding the fence’ about staying in the relationship. Usually the person seeking counseling has been happier in the relationship and is surprised his or her partner is unhappy and considering leaving, although this is not always the case.

One of the biggest factors that impacts whether the relationship is going to remain intact is how ‘done’ or ‘finished’ the dissatisfied partner is. Usually one person feels as though he or she has been telling the other person ‘I’m unhappy’ for some time, but doesn’t feel their partner is listening; or if he or she is listening, isn’t doing anything to address their concerns. By the time they’ve scheduled an appointment and get into counseling, the relationship is in crisis.

Usually the person who’s unhappy will say something like ‘well, I’m willing to give it one more try, but if it doesn’t get better quick, I’m gone’ - an ultimatum, which is not good and doesn’t bode well for the survival of the relationship.

I assign ‘homework’ to couples. I do this because they are spending only one hour of each week in my office talking about the relationship. Homework lets people begin improving the relationship during the rest of the week. It also forces the couple to focus on their relationship and each other. Homework can also move the relationship to a new level very quickly. When one person repeatedly doesn’t work on homework, it can become very clear right away whether that person is motivated to improve the relationship. While that can be very painful, it also begins to bring closure that may be needed for the relationship.

On the other hand, when both people work on their assignments and begin making the relationship a priority, their dedication to their partner is obvious. Sometimes the effort shown by each partner renews faith in the relationship. My job from that point is to help them retain that focus, let go of past hurts and resentment, and help them move forward – together.

My suggestions – listen to your partner and respond to what he or she is saying to you. Ignoring it won’t make it disappear, and in fact it only helps the problem get bigger.

Have you been to couples counseling? Do you think it helped your relationship? Care to share your story?

Do you meditate?

If so, what do you gain by it? Do you feel it’s time well spent?

More and more, Americans are learning what many around the world have known for 2500 years: one’s state of mind has influence over one’s physical well being. The National Center for Complimentary and Alternative Medicine has a great overview of the benefits and effects of “Mind-Body” Medicine here.

I’m going to be conducting a workshop on meditation Thursday, July 17th from 7 to 9pm at my office in Silverton. When I started thinking about workshops, and what topics to present I came up with a number of ideas, including things like parents surviving their adolescents, being in healthy relationships, ending unhealthy relationships, moving on after a relationship ends, marriage workshop, and hypnosis to improve your concentration.

I decided to start with meditation. I know a lot of people are interested in meditation; I often hear that they aren’t sure how to get started or worry that they “aren’t doing it right”. I want to use my workshop to teach some techniques and assure my students that if it’s working for you, you are doing it right. Let me also get rid of those ideas that meditation is only for those seeking to answer the question, ‘what is the meaning of life’? I mean, you can use meditation for this reason, but that’s pretty limiting.

Studies over the last 20 years indicate that meditation helps to decrease blood pressure, reduce anxiety and muscle tension; it reduces stress by shutting off worries, doubts, and concerns while meditating; it improves clarity and focus; it helps your immune system; it increases serotonin levels in your body, improving your mood.

It’s important to understand that meditation is not a religion. It has its roots in Buddhism but it doesn’t have to be connected with God in any way. Still, many people use meditation to develop a closer relationship with God. Some believe meditation is a way to tap into a “Universal Knowledge”, an energy that connects all of us to everything else in the Universe. For others, it is a method of centering oneself, gaining clarity, reducing stress, and stretching one’s mind as one would stretch their muscles.

I enjoy meditating. It’s a good way to start my day and get focused. It quiets my mind, and I feel a sense of peacefulness when I finish. That‘s a good thing that nearly anyone can achieve.

Communication Blockage

People often come see me regarding relationship difficulties. Let’s face it – we are social beings, and for the most part we want to be connected with people. I do. Most of us do. So if we’re all that interested in connecting to others, why all the problems?

As usual, I have a couple thoughts about this. I’ve been working as a clinical counselor for the past 30 years of my life, in a variety of work environments. In no way does this mean I’m the expert with the final answer, or that I’m perfect. But, along with the years of training I’ve gone through and continue to go through, and the number of people I’ve worked with, it does provide me with some observations, thoughts, and opinions about what I have seen.

I love my wife. She’s a wonderful person who provides me with support and encouragement. We are a great team, and we compliment each other’s strengths. We communicate well with each other. Lots of goodness here. But – we don’t shop well together.

Recently, we went shopping for a number of items to put in our back yard. Sounds like a simple thing, make a couple stops, pick up what we need, go home. We even knew what we needed; we knew where to go and what to look for.

Trouble began looking for light fixtures. It became clear to me that what we wanted wasn’t there, and I announced this to my wife and told her what we needed to do. I felt some tension between us after purchasing the lights, but didn’t say anything because I was sure I’d made the right decision for us.

We then went to a nursery we both like to look for plants. After pulling in the parking lot, we noticed a goat in a pen behind the nursery, and my wife being the animal lover she is started toward the pen to pet the goat. My thought was, ‘that’s a smelly goat – she pets that thing and she’s going to smell like the goat, and we’re not here to pet the goat, we’re here for plants’. So, in my infinite wisdom and with much compassion in my voice, I said ‘we don’t have time to pet that goat – let’s find plants’. We found all the plants we needed and returned home.

Later, we sat down and talked about the tension between us.

What happened between us happens a lot in relationships. People have different agendas and goals; and this is ok. Problems arise when either one person doesn’t clearly communicate his or her agenda or goals or they are not acknowledged and incorporated as part of the agenda or goals for the couple.

My point: My wife and I had different agendas regarding shopping. I did not take time to ask her opinion or discuss what she wanted – instead, I decided I knew what my wife wanted to have happen, and I knew what needed to happen to get lighting and plants. What I failed to do was talk to my wife. A simple thing that would have taken maybe 5 minutes and our outing would have had a completely different outcome.

Couples often find themselves in arguments, at odds, and becoming disconnected emotionally from each other because they don’t take the time to talk, listen, to or acknowledge the other person’s agendas or goals. Each is too busy trying to make their point, neither listens to the other. Who’s right and who’s wrong becomes what’s most important. Or, as in my case, one person thinks they know what the other person wants or what‘s best for the other person.

Talk, and listen to each other. Pay attention to what the other person says. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes, or see the issue/problem from the other person’s perspective.

Are there things my wife could have done to help the situation? I’m sure there are. But if I spent my time and energy talking to her about what she needed to have done differently, she would have felt attacked; she would have felt as though I were saying that it was entirely her fault.

Instead of pointing out what the other person needs to do differently, look at yourself. What do you need to do to improve the relationship? Typically, each person knows what he or she could have done to prevent an argument. And when each person looks at himself/herself to make changes rather than point at what the other person needs to do, positive change occurs, and the relationship wins.

[Editor's Note: The editor of this blog is Dennis's wife. I chalked this outing up to the difference in the "hunter" and the "gatherer". I wanted to do something that goes against Dennis's moral fiber: I wanted to look around...browse. I left the house with a general idea of what I wanted; I was not on a mission. I wanted to pet goats, gets some plants, maybe stop later for a milkshake...Dennis was on a mission. The objective: obtain needed items and exit the shopping area as soon as possible. Neither of us was wrong in our approach; we just didn't determine whether we were hunting or we were gathering before we set out.]

Parenting – the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, and you couldn’t pay me enough to ever do this again.

I hope all the dads out there had a good Father’s Day last Sunday – I have 3 kids, all young men; 2 adults and the youngest in high school – my youngest and I spent the day together, and my other 2 called, wishing me a happy Father’s Day.

I spent time thinking about the hard decisions I’ve made as a father – and how often parents come to see me in therapy about their children, the conflicts they’re having, and the decisions they’re trying to make regarding their children.

Becoming a parent is like being married – you can tell the person all about it, but until they experience it for themselves, they never really know what it’s like. People I see for counseling have the best intentions for their children. Because they want what’s best so badly, they seem to lose all ability to make healthy decisions concerning their kids.

I think this is because, as parents we want what’s best for our kids. It’s painful to see our kids in physical or emotional pain, and we want to spare them pain. Because of this, parents do things to ‘rescue’ their children from painful experiences. I see this beginning early in life – parents usually start this as their babies cry because their parents have said ‘no’ to something – and because children are disappointed or unhappy that they’ve been told ‘no’, they cry, throw a tantrum, or otherwise behave in such a way as to show their parents they’re unhappy.

This is the pivotal point in life. As adults, we know life is full of "no"’s. Part of character building is overcoming "no" and dealing with this message. The problem I see is that, as parents we completely forget how important this lesson is in life. What happens instead is parents feel their child’s pain – and they don’t want their child to feel pain. So they change "no" to "yes". Two things happen at this point:

1. the child’s pain disappears immediately, therefore they stop whatever they’re doing to show their parents how happy they are;
2. the child learns that when they act out, their parents will give them what they want.

And this happens.

It wasn’t easy for me to confront my child about using drugs, watch him pee in a cup for a urine screen, and take him to get help (he was experimenting with marijuana in high school). As you can imagine, he was less than happy with me. To him, it was "no big deal". As a parent, I wanted to make sure it remained "no big deal".

The hardest decision I have ever made in my life was telling my 17 year old son he had to leave my home. He stopped attending classes and failed to graduate with his class. The deal was that he had to get passing grades in summer school or find a job for the summer or he would have to move out. He couldn't spend the entire summer watching TV and spending time with his friends.

He'd decided he wanted to repeat his senior year. So he didn't go to summer school and he got a few jobs but only held them for a couple days at a time before he'd quit. At the end of the summer, I had to kick him out. Because in real life, if you don't do what you need to do, you get evicted. It broke my heart but I felt that if I didn't give him the chance to learn this lesson, he would go on believing the world would give in to him, whether he did what he needed to do or not. Learning it now would be very painful for us both. But to learn it later in life might be even more painful. The stakes were high for both of us - would he learn to be accountable for his decisions and would I lose him forever?

It was devastating for me. I wasn't sure it was something from which we could recover.

I didn’t have a close relationship with my son for a couple years. I stayed in touch, and reminded him how much I love him, even though he wasn't speaking to me. It took me a year to clean my son’s room after he left.

But now, we are very close. And my son learned an important lesson. I won’t tolerate irresponsibility, not that anyone behaves responsibly 100% of the time. But when we do act irresponsibly, we have to accept the consequences of our decisions.

Do your kids a favor – help them learn to be responsible. Make hard decisions for them. And they may not make responsible decisions for a while. But that doesn’t mean you cave and rescue them. Because when you rescue them, you aren't doing them any favors; you are really doing it for yourself. Hold your ground and give them the loving, responsible message; be responsible.