Cincinnati Therapy Guy's Anniversary

April 1st marks the 1 year anniversary of opening up my full time private practice – It’s been a fun year!

I had a part time private practice going for about 10 years or so – working a couple of nights a week, or on a Saturday morning. My wife had been talking to me about the work I had been doing, helping people and couples and believed that if I opened an office for a ‘full time’ practice that I could help a lot more folks. She spoke to me about this off and on for about a year before I finally agreed to her idea. She believes in me and what I do – she came up with my practice name, ‘Cincinnati Therapy Guy’; she made bumper stickers with a catchy phrase ‘He’s Hypnotic!’ on them; she convinced me to blog (she wants me to do this more often and I’m working on that), she developed my website and logo of the pocket watch (a connection to the hypnosis work I do). She was instrumental in coming up with my current brochure; she is my biggest fan and I cannot stress the importance of having someone in ‘your corner’ like this – it makes all the difference.

I remember being told by someone last year in March when I announced that I was going to start my practice, ‘this really isn’t a good time to do that sort of thing, because of the economy’ – I heard what that person said, thanked them for that feedback and pushed on ahead. I found an office site (6900 Silverton Avenue) in Silverton, near the Kenwood Towne Center, had business cards made, took my brochures, and hit the town making calls on Doctor’s offices, businesses and any place I could put up a card on a wall. I joined the Greater Cincinnati Regional Chamber of Commerce and have since renewed my membership with them; a very good thing to do.

The first couple months were spent networking; getting my name ‘out there’ in the community (I still need to do this) and making contacts and connections. Talking to people about the work I do, how long I’ve been doing this work, and answering questions.

And as I did this, my anxiety was pretty high. My wife though, she reminded me ‘trust - The Universe will provide’ – a difficult message for me to hear. I had spent my life relying on myself and my own abilities and skills, but I had never done before what I am doing now. And I listened to her, and I did, and I still do, and The Universe provides. But that doesn’t mean I sit on my butt and wait for The Universe to drop people in my lap. My job is to keep my eyes open for opportunities that present themselves and then act on those opportunities. It means presenting topics to organizations, and talking to people.

So the year has been fun. I’ve met a lot of people and look forward to meeting even more folks. My wife likes to tell me that I help people who are ‘stuck’ somewhere in life. I agree with that. I help people get ‘unstuck’ and move forward on their life path.

If you feel stuck, if you’re in pain and you’re not feeling like what you are doing is working or relieving your pain, give me a call – 471-2250 or email me and we’ll talk about what we can do together. I have been doing this for over 30 years because I believe people get unstuck.

Namaste
Dennis Mendleson/The Cincinnati Therapy Guy

On Finding an Office and Open House

So I’m getting ready for my open house – coming up Thursday, Sept 4th – I really like my office space. It’s relaxing, which is good since I do counseling and hypnosis there. I have this piece of furniture, it’s not a couch, but not a bed – it’s kind of like one of those pool deck recliners without arms – I can adjust the head from flat to different angles. It’s great for hypnosis.

I was driving around Cincinnati looking for space and almost rented at Longworth Hall, down near the Bengal’s stadium. Great office space and lots of free parking. But when I told the lady that there are times when doing work with couples they get angry and raise their voices toward each other, (yes this does happen in therapy) I was shown the door. Quiet place there.

So, I drove around with my notebook and pen, looking for potential space. I ran into a couple problems. The first was space itself. There’s lots of space out there, but not much small space. I don’t need much. I am in private practice by myself. I needed space large enough for when I facilitate small workshops, maybe 12 – 15 people but not much more than that. People have lots of space to rent. I mean lots of space. Like a couple thousand square feet – and while no one laughed and hung up on me, I quickly realized just how small a fish I am.

The second problem really surprised me. I’d drive by some place, see an advertisement, and write down the number. I’d call, leave a voicemail with my phone number and information that I wanted to see the space. Many times I never received a return phone call. That was odd. I figured people wanted to rent space.

I found my office on one of my trips. I was driving down Montgomery Road, into Silverton when I saw the advertisement for office space on this cool looking building. I called, they called me back, and voila`! I am now in an office about a mile west of the Kenwood Towne Center, on the corner of Montgomery Road and Silverton Avenue. I now can see people on the west and east side of the city.

So if you’re reading this, you’re invited to my open house on Sept. 4th, from 4:30 – 7:30pm at 6900 Silverton Avenue. There’s free parking behind the building, and those who come will be entered for a chance to win a free hypnosis session. And I’ll have drinks and hors d’oeurves. All are welcome. All are welcome.

Can't Get No...

Sex – one of the most sensitive issues people deal with – either individually or as a couple.

One of the more common problems I’ve seen has been E.D., or erectile dysfunction. I have worked with guys individually and couples regarding this problem. While the advent of the ‘little blue pill’ has decreased the number of people coming to me with this problem, I still see people with this concern.

While it can be a funny topic and easy to joke about, when it becomes a personal problem it can be embarrassing and isolating. Typically the guy isn’t talking to anyone about this, and let’s face it: this is not something we guys usually sit down over a beer and say to our friends, ‘I can’t get an erection’.

And I’ve found that talking to your spouse or partner can be just as difficult. I was seeing a couple who was in a strong relationship but had been having difficulties sexually for several months. He couldn’t get an erection, or, when he did, he could not maintain an erection. They tried everything they could think of to make it better without success. The final straw for them was one evening after yet another failure for them sexually, his wife began sobbing while leaning over the guy’s penis. I try not to picture that.

There are lots of factors that can contribute to this kind or type of problem. The first thing to rule out is any medical problem. I’ll ask if that has been checked out. If not, then I instruct them to do so. A medical problem may be easily resolved. Some common medications can also cause E.D. and men should discuss this frustrating side effect with their doctor.

Another very common problem people have that impacts them sexually is stress. The thing about stress is when you’re experiencing stress, you usually don’t see it or aren’t aware of it. This is especially true if the stress has been going on for a while. Many times I’ve seen this problem resolve itself when the stress or stressors have been identified and either effectively dealt with or resolved.

Another possible concern is this sexual concern may be related to a relationship problem with your partner or wife. This has the potential to be serious; but then, maybe not. I’ve seen problems resolved when couples hold meaningful conversations. There are times when, during a conversation or over the course of several conversations, each becomes aware that there are serious issues that need to be addressed and have manifested into a problem with sex. But addressing these issues in counseling can be very helpful. It can completely revive a seemingly dying relationship.

So, while talking with a stranger about ‘not being able to get it up’ is difficult, knowing that you are working with a professional, someone who has training, experience, sensitivity, and objectivity dealing with this concern can be reassuring. I’d suggest you talk with someone.

What’s up with us guys?

In my time working with couples I’ve seen a pattern – not with every couple that has come to me for counseling, but this one pattern repeats itself...in couple after couple.

It goes like this:

Of the two, the wife or girlfriend has been the most unhappy – reporting that she’s been unhappy with some aspect of the husband’s or boyfriend’s behavior and tells me she’s tried telling him she’s unhappy, but he’s not heard her – she knows this because he’s not acknowledged to her that he’s heard her, and hasn’t changed his behaviors – I then think, ‘well, maybe she’s not telling him what she’s unhappy about very clearly, or she’s giving him ‘mixed messages’ (she tells him she’s unhappy with his behavior one time, and then she’ll give him a message that what he’s doing is ok); but, when I have asked her what she’s done to tell him she is unhappy, she has usually been pretty clear and consistently giving him the same message – ‘I don’t like it when you do ____’ (fill in the blank with a behavior)
She’s been unhappy for a while – usually 6 months or more.

The husband or boyfriend is stunned that she’s unhappy with him. And usually he’s been pretty happy in the relationship.

Now, if what I’ve just said sounds sexist, I’d agree with you. It does. Except, with a lot of couples, it’s also true.

So, I spend time helping the couple communicate in a clear way. One person says something to the other, and, especially when therapy is just starting, I’ll ask the other person what they heard and ask them to repeat the message back. Which brings up another interesting thing – often times, we guys completely miss what’s being said to us. What are we thinking??? So, when, in this case the guy repeats back what he heard his wife or girlfriend say, and it’s really off the mark, she becomes frustrated, often time looking at me and usually says something like, ‘see? He never listens to me!!’ Meanwhile, the guy sits there with this hangdog look on his face, clearly indicating he didn’t get the message.

And what she said to him usually isn’t very complicated. It may be something as simple as ‘you never tell me you love me anymore’. After I remind her that ‘never’ is so absolute, and is probably inaccurate, she then adjusts her statement to reflect ‘I can’t remember the last time you told me you loved me.’ And that she wants to hear him say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. I continue to explore with both their views about each other, and what they want from each other; it is clear to me the guy wants the relationship to continue. He doesn’t want it to end.

So, I’ll assign homework. Something for each of them to do to improve their relationship. I’ll remind each of them that no one is perfect, that there will be mistakes made regarding their homework, but the important thing is whether or not they are at least partially doing their homework.

When they come back, usually they both report being successful completing their homework assignments. And here’s another area where we guys screw up. The guy comes back, proud that he’d done what his wife or girlfriend had asked him to do, and expecting the relationship to be ‘on the mend’, and moving back to ‘being normal again’. The wife though, says something like, ‘I’ve been asking for this for the past 6 months – you doing this just one week doesn’t prove that you’ve really changed.’

So the guy is hurt and pissed. But, is able to recover and recognize that one week doesn’t reflect permanent change. So, they go back out to work some more, and have success; It’s hit some snags, again usually us guys have messed up a couple times, but for the most part it’s been successful.

Now here’s where we guys screw it up, again. After about 3 or maybe 4 weeks of showing her that, except for a few slip ups, changes have been made, and the wife or girlfriend hasn’t ‘gone back’ to how she behaved in their relationship before ‘problems’ existed, the husband or boyfriend gets really angry and says something like ‘I give up’.

Brilliant. That really helps the relationship, and is exactly what she wanted to hear. Not.

My experience as a couples’ therapist is that in the relationship, the female usually complains about something wrong for an extended period of time before being ‘fed up’, while we guys, if we don’t see change pretty quickly, we’ll say ‘it’s not fixable’ and begin moving on.

Again, I want to say this isn’t true in every relationship. But it is a pattern I’ve seen over the years. So guys, does this pattern sound familiar to you? Is it a pattern you’ve been able to overcome? For guys who haven’t run into this, why do you think that is? What do you think you do that these other guys could learn from?

Does Going to a Counselor Mean We Are Breaking Up?

I often see couples for counseling. I’ve heard any number of people say, ‘I tried couples (or marriage) counseling, but it didn’t work for me’ or, another common statement is, ‘I won’t go to a couples’ counselor because I’ll be told we need to split up and I don’t want to hear that’ – On very few occasions in my past 30 years of work have I recommended people ‘split up’ and not continue their relationship. These are times when I have been very concerned about the safety of one or both people, and there are no indications the relationship is going to become safe. Under these conditions I have suggested the couple not remain together for safety reasons.

Of the couples I see, typically one person wants counseling and the other person is, at best, ‘riding the fence’ about staying in the relationship. Usually the person seeking counseling has been happier in the relationship and is surprised his or her partner is unhappy and considering leaving, although this is not always the case.

One of the biggest factors that impacts whether the relationship is going to remain intact is how ‘done’ or ‘finished’ the dissatisfied partner is. Usually one person feels as though he or she has been telling the other person ‘I’m unhappy’ for some time, but doesn’t feel their partner is listening; or if he or she is listening, isn’t doing anything to address their concerns. By the time they’ve scheduled an appointment and get into counseling, the relationship is in crisis.

Usually the person who’s unhappy will say something like ‘well, I’m willing to give it one more try, but if it doesn’t get better quick, I’m gone’ - an ultimatum, which is not good and doesn’t bode well for the survival of the relationship.

I assign ‘homework’ to couples. I do this because they are spending only one hour of each week in my office talking about the relationship. Homework lets people begin improving the relationship during the rest of the week. It also forces the couple to focus on their relationship and each other. Homework can also move the relationship to a new level very quickly. When one person repeatedly doesn’t work on homework, it can become very clear right away whether that person is motivated to improve the relationship. While that can be very painful, it also begins to bring closure that may be needed for the relationship.

On the other hand, when both people work on their assignments and begin making the relationship a priority, their dedication to their partner is obvious. Sometimes the effort shown by each partner renews faith in the relationship. My job from that point is to help them retain that focus, let go of past hurts and resentment, and help them move forward – together.

My suggestions – listen to your partner and respond to what he or she is saying to you. Ignoring it won’t make it disappear, and in fact it only helps the problem get bigger.

Have you been to couples counseling? Do you think it helped your relationship? Care to share your story?