Commencement

Well, I went to my youngest son’s graduation ceremony. It was so cool to see him in his cap and gown, he had this huge grin, and I don’t think anything could have made it disappear.

I did my thing, taking pictures as I did with my other kids’ graduations, laughing with him; we hugged each other so tightly my arms were tired. Good hugs. He was ready to leave and spend the evening celebrating with his friends but it was touching and also a measure of his maturity because he took time to spend talking with Rainie and I talking about the ceremony, his feelings and anything else we brought up. He acted as though he could spend the whole evening talking with us.

And now, boy, are we tired! On the drive home we talked about this part of our lives being over. No more kids in grade, middle, or high school. Kind of weird. No more plays, practices, or games to attend. No more sales of candy or candles. No more struggles with homework or last minute reports that need typing. We’re not the first, or last to go through this, but it is unique. I hate clichés but, it is a ‘bitter-sweet’ time.

And I feel good about it. He’s a good kid, and we’re looking forward (kind of) to his trek to college. It’s always struck me as funny, that although I’ve been a therapist and healer for thirty plus years, and I know that events like my son’s graduation will impact me, and most likely how I’ll be impacted emotionally, it doesn’t change a thing. I still feel happy and sad about it. I just know how normal it is and that ‘this too shall pass’.

Namaste
Dennis

On Leaving the Nest

Recently, I was with my youngest son – I picked him up and we went and got him a tuxedo for his last prom as a high school student. He’s a senior and has been accepted at Ohio University. I wanted him to go to University of Cincinnati, but I think it was just too close to Dad for him. He didn’t want me to be able to reach out and touch him.

Renting a tuxedo is one of our ‘father/son’ things we do. I enjoy all of it except the bill and he likes our time together. We get a chance to talk about things in a relaxed way – we’re focusing on his tuxedo, so our conversations are kind of free-flowing, moving from topic to topic, we’re just hanging out together.

So we rent the tuxedo and we head back to Cincinnati for the weekend together. We’re heading down interstate 75, and I’m asking him about college. He’d been telling me he wanted to be a doctor but had recently said he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. So I’m asking him if he had come to a decision about a major.

It was then he surprised me. He started crying. I started asking him what was going on. He began talking about how much pressure he was feeling about college. That he had no idea what he wanted to do, that he was the only one of the three kids (he has 2 older brothers) to go to college and that he had to succeed, but what if he failed? And he was going to really be on his own for the first time.

I began talking to him about his fears and concerns, normalizing his feelings, and telling him how proud I am of him and how he’s going to be just fine.

I think it’s important to remember that our kids leaving home have fears they may not be talking about. I’d suggest parents talk about the changes that are coming if the kid doesn’t bring it up first. Listen to any concerns/fears/pressures and spend time acknowledging them. Help them see how normal they are and how supportive you are. This may be more than one conversation to have, and I’d suggest you regularly ‘check in’ with your kid to see how they’re feeling after you’ve talked; answer any other questions or concerns they may have.

My point is: listen to their concerns – be honest and supportive and remember - we left home and had some of these same feelings they have now. It’s weird to be on ‘the other side’ of this leaving home thing.

Namaste
Dennis Mendleson/The Cincinnati Therapy Guy