Commencement

Well, I went to my youngest son’s graduation ceremony. It was so cool to see him in his cap and gown, he had this huge grin, and I don’t think anything could have made it disappear.

I did my thing, taking pictures as I did with my other kids’ graduations, laughing with him; we hugged each other so tightly my arms were tired. Good hugs. He was ready to leave and spend the evening celebrating with his friends but it was touching and also a measure of his maturity because he took time to spend talking with Rainie and I talking about the ceremony, his feelings and anything else we brought up. He acted as though he could spend the whole evening talking with us.

And now, boy, are we tired! On the drive home we talked about this part of our lives being over. No more kids in grade, middle, or high school. Kind of weird. No more plays, practices, or games to attend. No more sales of candy or candles. No more struggles with homework or last minute reports that need typing. We’re not the first, or last to go through this, but it is unique. I hate clichés but, it is a ‘bitter-sweet’ time.

And I feel good about it. He’s a good kid, and we’re looking forward (kind of) to his trek to college. It’s always struck me as funny, that although I’ve been a therapist and healer for thirty plus years, and I know that events like my son’s graduation will impact me, and most likely how I’ll be impacted emotionally, it doesn’t change a thing. I still feel happy and sad about it. I just know how normal it is and that ‘this too shall pass’.

Namaste
Dennis

On Leaving the Nest

Recently, I was with my youngest son – I picked him up and we went and got him a tuxedo for his last prom as a high school student. He’s a senior and has been accepted at Ohio University. I wanted him to go to University of Cincinnati, but I think it was just too close to Dad for him. He didn’t want me to be able to reach out and touch him.

Renting a tuxedo is one of our ‘father/son’ things we do. I enjoy all of it except the bill and he likes our time together. We get a chance to talk about things in a relaxed way – we’re focusing on his tuxedo, so our conversations are kind of free-flowing, moving from topic to topic, we’re just hanging out together.

So we rent the tuxedo and we head back to Cincinnati for the weekend together. We’re heading down interstate 75, and I’m asking him about college. He’d been telling me he wanted to be a doctor but had recently said he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. So I’m asking him if he had come to a decision about a major.

It was then he surprised me. He started crying. I started asking him what was going on. He began talking about how much pressure he was feeling about college. That he had no idea what he wanted to do, that he was the only one of the three kids (he has 2 older brothers) to go to college and that he had to succeed, but what if he failed? And he was going to really be on his own for the first time.

I began talking to him about his fears and concerns, normalizing his feelings, and telling him how proud I am of him and how he’s going to be just fine.

I think it’s important to remember that our kids leaving home have fears they may not be talking about. I’d suggest parents talk about the changes that are coming if the kid doesn’t bring it up first. Listen to any concerns/fears/pressures and spend time acknowledging them. Help them see how normal they are and how supportive you are. This may be more than one conversation to have, and I’d suggest you regularly ‘check in’ with your kid to see how they’re feeling after you’ve talked; answer any other questions or concerns they may have.

My point is: listen to their concerns – be honest and supportive and remember - we left home and had some of these same feelings they have now. It’s weird to be on ‘the other side’ of this leaving home thing.

Namaste
Dennis Mendleson/The Cincinnati Therapy Guy

Challenges of Adoption

I recently spent some time with friends after work. We’d not seen each other for several months and it was really good to catch up with what they’re doing. As we were talking one of them brought up the subject of adoption.

I’ve been thinking about the people I’ve worked with regarding adoption. I admire people who foster or adopt children. I also admire the children being adopted. It takes a great deal of love and determination to adopt and be adopted.

I think about how people open their hearts and homes to children and the strength needed when accepting children into their homes. The love it takes to do this is amazing. And love is not only cuddling or holding these children. It involves talking to the child about the rules of the home and what is expected. Clear, simple rules work really well for children going through the adoption process with the family.

Love involves providing consistent structure and discipline to the child – these have usually been lacking in most of the child’s life. Of the families I’ve seen, one of the biggest struggles is for everyone to get used to the rules and consequences, and accepting that the family really does love and care for the child. The child very often rebels against structure. He or she has not had it for most, if not all of his or her life. And if the family has children in the home already, ether their own biological or other adopted children, the newest child coming into the home usually feels out of place and not part of the family. The family includes the child, and eventually the child begins feeling as though he or she is part of the family.

And for the child, it’s a matter of working through feeling rejected by the very people who brought him or her into this world. The hurt and pain associated with that rejection can be too much to bear, and the child can and does make excuses either verbally or in his or her head reasons why they he or she was abandoned and often expectations are that his or her parents are going to come back. This also makes accepting love very difficult for the child. He or she feels, on some level, that by accepting the family’s love they are giving up on their biological parents. Unruly behaviors can sometimes be associated with this conflict they feel. The younger the child is, the greater difficulty they have understanding and working through these thoughts and feelings.

In spite of these difficulties, I have seen the adoption process work really well. I’ve watched families work through these and other issues and develop strong loving relationships that last. It takes patience, understanding and lots of love.

Support Systems

Recently I read where a man killed his wife, their children and then himself. Both he and his wife had lost their jobs.

I don’t think we need any clearer sign our economic meltdown has reached a crisis state.

A difficult thing, losing your job. Much of our identities are tied up in work. We talk about what we do for a living when making small talk; one of the first things we ask when meeting someone is ‘what do you do for a living’?

My wife and I each have had our positions at work eliminated, and lost our jobs. When it happened we each said, ‘this isn’t fair’ and ‘I did everything right, everything they asked of me’, and ‘this shouldn’t happen to me’. I know that my wife and I each grieved our loss; I was really pissed off, and my wife cried. But what I know is that when it happened to me she was there to help me back to my feet, dust me off, and set me on my way again. And I believe she felt the same support from me when it happened to her.

It is that thing; having at least one person in life that is supportive to you, who is in your corner. It may be a family member, it may be a friend, but it is someone (or more than one person) who says ‘c’mon, let me help you back to your feet – you can do this’.

This person (or these people) love you. Period. They know you are not perfect. They see your warts, and they call you on your shit. They support you and they are your cheerleading section when you need one.

Do you have that person or those people in your life? Do you have someone you can allow to see you cry; to see you at your most vulnerable moment?

If you do, then let them know how important they are in your life. Take them to lunch or dinner. Buy them and ‘Thank You’ card and mail it to them, even if you live together. Give them a really nice ‘Valentine’s Day’ card.

If you don’t, you really do. I know that probably doesn’t make sense but my point is, you do have someone in your life, somewhere, right now who can be that person. You have to be ‘open’ to finding that person. And by ‘open’ I mean willing to begin talking with someone, talk about you, listen to the other person, develop a relationship, and then a friendship. It starts there, and then grows.

It doesn’t happen overnight. And not everyone is willing to be that kind of person in your life. But don’t give up. Don’t stop looking.

If you’re not sure how to do this, then find a counselor who can help you learn.

Donut, Dounut or Doughnut?

"You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left." – Itzhak Perlman


Recently, my 24 year old son got a dog. A puppy. The thing must have been really young, it was very tiny. My wife told me later she thought it was like 6 or 7 weeks old. I’m not big on identifying what breed a dog is. It’s big or small, short or long haired, and house-broken or not. That’s about it for me.

And I really enjoy dogs. We have three of them. They all live downstairs with my wife. (Another blog for another day that talks about our living arrangement which works so very well for us.) We rescued 2, and the third is a Pomeranian. I have 2 cats, Gracie and Puddy, so I guess I am a ‘cat person’ although I don’t think of myself like that.

Anyway, back to ‘Dounut’ the dog that belongs to my son. (Ed. note: rainie notes that the spelling of the dog's name has not yet been confirmed with the son. The spelling here is Dennis's version). Yeah, he called to tell me about this and I worried some about the dog. Would my son take care of the dog? Knowing my son as I do, my worry was that the dog was a short term interest for him. Once the newness of the dog wore off, he’d stop paying attention to it, and the dog would be left to fend for itself (Ed. note: Dennis's worst fear was that his editor...errr...wife would intervene on behalf of the puppy).

I have been very pleasantly surprised. My son has had this dog now for 3 months. He takes Dounut everywhere he goes, and they’ve really bonded. It’s so cool to watch them. One evening recently my son calls me to say, ‘Dad, this dog gets me up every 2 hours at night to go to the bathroom’. I said, ‘well that’s good practice for when you have kids’.

My son has done really well with Dounut. They come over on Monday evenings to watch football, and my wife comes up to visit with them. She and my son have developed a cool relationship over Dounut. That’s been fun to watch.

My wife tells me I am now a ‘grandpa’ and she’s ‘grammy’ to Dounut. She’ll talk to Dounut and say, ‘go see grandpa’ – I am sighing and rolling my eyes as I write this.

Life is really good. I have the love of my family and Dounut.

Are You A Scrouge?

Ahh…the holidays. Probably the most fun and one of the most stressful times of the year for people. Most look forward to the beauty of the season, lights and decorations, gifts to give and get, and spending quality time with friends and family.

I don’t like being a wet blanket about this, but for a lot of people, the holiday season is not so good. People struggle with past and many times ongoing family problems. And it’s not like the movies. It’s not a comedy, and problems aren’t resolved for a happy ending in the space of the 2 hours. Sometimes family life growing up was not so good. And it’s not easy spending time with people who should have been loving and protective and kind, but were not.

And society pressures each of us to have close relationships with family, enjoy our time together, and love each other. This makes life even more difficult for those who don’t like their family so much.

I offer to everyone that each day is a new day. Each day offers you an opportunity to begin healing from your wounds, and letting your past be in the past and not rule your present.

What I like about this time of year is the theme of healing and love. Embrace that theme, and if you don’t know how, or where to start, find someone who can help you do this.