If so, what do you gain by it? Do you feel it’s time well spent?
More and more, Americans are learning what many around the world have known for 2500 years: one’s state of mind has influence over one’s physical well being. The National Center for Complimentary and Alternative Medicine has a great overview of the benefits and effects of “Mind-Body” Medicine here.
I’m going to be conducting a workshop on meditation Thursday, July 17th from 7 to 9pm at my office in Silverton. When I started thinking about workshops, and what topics to present I came up with a number of ideas, including things like parents surviving their adolescents, being in healthy relationships, ending unhealthy relationships, moving on after a relationship ends, marriage workshop, and hypnosis to improve your concentration.
I decided to start with meditation. I know a lot of people are interested in meditation; I often hear that they aren’t sure how to get started or worry that they “aren’t doing it right”. I want to use my workshop to teach some techniques and assure my students that if it’s working for you, you are doing it right. Let me also get rid of those ideas that meditation is only for those seeking to answer the question, ‘what is the meaning of life’? I mean, you can use meditation for this reason, but that’s pretty limiting.
Studies over the last 20 years indicate that meditation helps to decrease blood pressure, reduce anxiety and muscle tension; it reduces stress by shutting off worries, doubts, and concerns while meditating; it improves clarity and focus; it helps your immune system; it increases serotonin levels in your body, improving your mood.
It’s important to understand that meditation is not a religion. It has its roots in Buddhism but it doesn’t have to be connected with God in any way. Still, many people use meditation to develop a closer relationship with God. Some believe meditation is a way to tap into a “Universal Knowledge”, an energy that connects all of us to everything else in the Universe. For others, it is a method of centering oneself, gaining clarity, reducing stress, and stretching one’s mind as one would stretch their muscles.
I enjoy meditating. It’s a good way to start my day and get focused. It quiets my mind, and I feel a sense of peacefulness when I finish. That‘s a good thing that nearly anyone can achieve.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Communication Blockage
People often come see me regarding relationship difficulties. Let’s face it – we are social beings, and for the most part we want to be connected with people. I do. Most of us do. So if we’re all that interested in connecting to others, why all the problems?
As usual, I have a couple thoughts about this. I’ve been working as a clinical counselor for the past 30 years of my life, in a variety of work environments. In no way does this mean I’m the expert with the final answer, or that I’m perfect. But, along with the years of training I’ve gone through and continue to go through, and the number of people I’ve worked with, it does provide me with some observations, thoughts, and opinions about what I have seen.
I love my wife. She’s a wonderful person who provides me with support and encouragement. We are a great team, and we compliment each other’s strengths. We communicate well with each other. Lots of goodness here. But – we don’t shop well together.
Recently, we went shopping for a number of items to put in our back yard. Sounds like a simple thing, make a couple stops, pick up what we need, go home. We even knew what we needed; we knew where to go and what to look for.
Trouble began looking for light fixtures. It became clear to me that what we wanted wasn’t there, and I announced this to my wife and told her what we needed to do. I felt some tension between us after purchasing the lights, but didn’t say anything because I was sure I’d made the right decision for us.
We then went to a nursery we both like to look for plants. After pulling in the parking lot, we noticed a goat in a pen behind the nursery, and my wife being the animal lover she is started toward the pen to pet the goat. My thought was, ‘that’s a smelly goat – she pets that thing and she’s going to smell like the goat, and we’re not here to pet the goat, we’re here for plants’. So, in my infinite wisdom and with much compassion in my voice, I said ‘we don’t have time to pet that goat – let’s find plants’. We found all the plants we needed and returned home.
Later, we sat down and talked about the tension between us.
What happened between us happens a lot in relationships. People have different agendas and goals; and this is ok. Problems arise when either one person doesn’t clearly communicate his or her agenda or goals or they are not acknowledged and incorporated as part of the agenda or goals for the couple.
My point: My wife and I had different agendas regarding shopping. I did not take time to ask her opinion or discuss what she wanted – instead, I decided I knew what my wife wanted to have happen, and I knew what needed to happen to get lighting and plants. What I failed to do was talk to my wife. A simple thing that would have taken maybe 5 minutes and our outing would have had a completely different outcome.
Couples often find themselves in arguments, at odds, and becoming disconnected emotionally from each other because they don’t take the time to talk, listen, to or acknowledge the other person’s agendas or goals. Each is too busy trying to make their point, neither listens to the other. Who’s right and who’s wrong becomes what’s most important. Or, as in my case, one person thinks they know what the other person wants or what‘s best for the other person.
Talk, and listen to each other. Pay attention to what the other person says. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes, or see the issue/problem from the other person’s perspective.
Are there things my wife could have done to help the situation? I’m sure there are. But if I spent my time and energy talking to her about what she needed to have done differently, she would have felt attacked; she would have felt as though I were saying that it was entirely her fault.
Instead of pointing out what the other person needs to do differently, look at yourself. What do you need to do to improve the relationship? Typically, each person knows what he or she could have done to prevent an argument. And when each person looks at himself/herself to make changes rather than point at what the other person needs to do, positive change occurs, and the relationship wins.
[Editor's Note: The editor of this blog is Dennis's wife. I chalked this outing up to the difference in the "hunter" and the "gatherer". I wanted to do something that goes against Dennis's moral fiber: I wanted to look around...browse. I left the house with a general idea of what I wanted; I was not on a mission. I wanted to pet goats, gets some plants, maybe stop later for a milkshake...Dennis was on a mission. The objective: obtain needed items and exit the shopping area as soon as possible. Neither of us was wrong in our approach; we just didn't determine whether we were hunting or we were gathering before we set out.]
As usual, I have a couple thoughts about this. I’ve been working as a clinical counselor for the past 30 years of my life, in a variety of work environments. In no way does this mean I’m the expert with the final answer, or that I’m perfect. But, along with the years of training I’ve gone through and continue to go through, and the number of people I’ve worked with, it does provide me with some observations, thoughts, and opinions about what I have seen.
I love my wife. She’s a wonderful person who provides me with support and encouragement. We are a great team, and we compliment each other’s strengths. We communicate well with each other. Lots of goodness here. But – we don’t shop well together.
Recently, we went shopping for a number of items to put in our back yard. Sounds like a simple thing, make a couple stops, pick up what we need, go home. We even knew what we needed; we knew where to go and what to look for.
Trouble began looking for light fixtures. It became clear to me that what we wanted wasn’t there, and I announced this to my wife and told her what we needed to do. I felt some tension between us after purchasing the lights, but didn’t say anything because I was sure I’d made the right decision for us.
We then went to a nursery we both like to look for plants. After pulling in the parking lot, we noticed a goat in a pen behind the nursery, and my wife being the animal lover she is started toward the pen to pet the goat. My thought was, ‘that’s a smelly goat – she pets that thing and she’s going to smell like the goat, and we’re not here to pet the goat, we’re here for plants’. So, in my infinite wisdom and with much compassion in my voice, I said ‘we don’t have time to pet that goat – let’s find plants’. We found all the plants we needed and returned home.
Later, we sat down and talked about the tension between us.
What happened between us happens a lot in relationships. People have different agendas and goals; and this is ok. Problems arise when either one person doesn’t clearly communicate his or her agenda or goals or they are not acknowledged and incorporated as part of the agenda or goals for the couple.
My point: My wife and I had different agendas regarding shopping. I did not take time to ask her opinion or discuss what she wanted – instead, I decided I knew what my wife wanted to have happen, and I knew what needed to happen to get lighting and plants. What I failed to do was talk to my wife. A simple thing that would have taken maybe 5 minutes and our outing would have had a completely different outcome.
Couples often find themselves in arguments, at odds, and becoming disconnected emotionally from each other because they don’t take the time to talk, listen, to or acknowledge the other person’s agendas or goals. Each is too busy trying to make their point, neither listens to the other. Who’s right and who’s wrong becomes what’s most important. Or, as in my case, one person thinks they know what the other person wants or what‘s best for the other person.
Talk, and listen to each other. Pay attention to what the other person says. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes, or see the issue/problem from the other person’s perspective.
Are there things my wife could have done to help the situation? I’m sure there are. But if I spent my time and energy talking to her about what she needed to have done differently, she would have felt attacked; she would have felt as though I were saying that it was entirely her fault.
Instead of pointing out what the other person needs to do differently, look at yourself. What do you need to do to improve the relationship? Typically, each person knows what he or she could have done to prevent an argument. And when each person looks at himself/herself to make changes rather than point at what the other person needs to do, positive change occurs, and the relationship wins.
[Editor's Note: The editor of this blog is Dennis's wife. I chalked this outing up to the difference in the "hunter" and the "gatherer". I wanted to do something that goes against Dennis's moral fiber: I wanted to look around...browse. I left the house with a general idea of what I wanted; I was not on a mission. I wanted to pet goats, gets some plants, maybe stop later for a milkshake...Dennis was on a mission. The objective: obtain needed items and exit the shopping area as soon as possible. Neither of us was wrong in our approach; we just didn't determine whether we were hunting or we were gathering before we set out.]
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Parenting – the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, and you couldn’t pay me enough to ever do this again.
I hope all the dads out there had a good Father’s Day last Sunday – I have 3 kids, all young men; 2 adults and the youngest in high school – my youngest and I spent the day together, and my other 2 called, wishing me a happy Father’s Day.
I spent time thinking about the hard decisions I’ve made as a father – and how often parents come to see me in therapy about their children, the conflicts they’re having, and the decisions they’re trying to make regarding their children.
Becoming a parent is like being married – you can tell the person all about it, but until they experience it for themselves, they never really know what it’s like. People I see for counseling have the best intentions for their children. Because they want what’s best so badly, they seem to lose all ability to make healthy decisions concerning their kids.
I think this is because, as parents we want what’s best for our kids. It’s painful to see our kids in physical or emotional pain, and we want to spare them pain. Because of this, parents do things to ‘rescue’ their children from painful experiences. I see this beginning early in life – parents usually start this as their babies cry because their parents have said ‘no’ to something – and because children are disappointed or unhappy that they’ve been told ‘no’, they cry, throw a tantrum, or otherwise behave in such a way as to show their parents they’re unhappy.
This is the pivotal point in life. As adults, we know life is full of "no"’s. Part of character building is overcoming "no" and dealing with this message. The problem I see is that, as parents we completely forget how important this lesson is in life. What happens instead is parents feel their child’s pain – and they don’t want their child to feel pain. So they change "no" to "yes". Two things happen at this point:
I spent time thinking about the hard decisions I’ve made as a father – and how often parents come to see me in therapy about their children, the conflicts they’re having, and the decisions they’re trying to make regarding their children.
Becoming a parent is like being married – you can tell the person all about it, but until they experience it for themselves, they never really know what it’s like. People I see for counseling have the best intentions for their children. Because they want what’s best so badly, they seem to lose all ability to make healthy decisions concerning their kids.
I think this is because, as parents we want what’s best for our kids. It’s painful to see our kids in physical or emotional pain, and we want to spare them pain. Because of this, parents do things to ‘rescue’ their children from painful experiences. I see this beginning early in life – parents usually start this as their babies cry because their parents have said ‘no’ to something – and because children are disappointed or unhappy that they’ve been told ‘no’, they cry, throw a tantrum, or otherwise behave in such a way as to show their parents they’re unhappy.
This is the pivotal point in life. As adults, we know life is full of "no"’s. Part of character building is overcoming "no" and dealing with this message. The problem I see is that, as parents we completely forget how important this lesson is in life. What happens instead is parents feel their child’s pain – and they don’t want their child to feel pain. So they change "no" to "yes". Two things happen at this point:
- the child’s pain disappears immediately, therefore they stop whatever they’re doing to show their parents how happy they are;
- the child learns that when they act out, their parents will give them what they want.
And this happens.
It wasn’t easy for me to confront my child about using drugs, watch him pee in a cup for a urine screen, and take him to get help (he was experimenting with marijuana in high school). As you can imagine, he was less than happy with me. To him, it was "no big deal". As a parent, I wanted to make sure it remained "no big deal".
The hardest decision I have ever made in my life was telling my 17 year old son he had to leave my home. He stopped attending classes and failed to graduate with his class. The deal was that he had to get passing grades in summer school or find a job for the summer or he would have to move out. He couldn't spend the entire summer watching TV and spending time with his friends.
He'd decided he wanted to repeat his senior year. So he didn't go to summer school and he got a few jobs but only held them for a couple days at a time before he'd quit. At the end of the summer, I had to kick him out. Because in real life, if you don't do what you need to do, you get evicted. It broke my heart but I felt that if I didn't give him the chance to learn this lesson, he would go on believing the world would give in to him, whether he did what he needed to do or not. Learning it now would be very painful for us both. But to learn it later in life might be even more painful. The stakes were high for both of us - would he learn to be accountable for his decisions and would I lose him forever?
It was devastating for me. I wasn't sure it was something from which we could recover.
I didn’t have a close relationship with my son for a couple years. I stayed in touch, and reminded him how much I love him, even though he wasn't speaking to me. It took me a year to clean my son’s room after he left.
But now, we are very close. And my son learned an important lesson. I won’t tolerate irresponsibility, not that anyone behaves responsibly 100% of the time. But when we do act irresponsibly, we have to accept the consequences of our decisions.
Do your kids a favor – help them learn to be responsible. Make hard decisions for them. And they may not make responsible decisions for a while. But that doesn’t mean you cave and rescue them. Because when you rescue them, you aren't doing them any favors; you are really doing it for yourself. Hold your ground and give them the loving, responsible message; be responsible.
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