What? No Blog??

We've moved!

You can now follow Dennis's blog on Cincinnati.com. We look forward to seeing you there!

It's Not About Food, Is It?

My last blog focused on those negative messages, those lies we believe about ourselves and how those beliefs ‘consume’ us. (See What’s Eating You? Dated 6/15/09).

What we believe about ourselves affects all of our behaviors; our opinion of ourselves and the kind of person we believe we are. How we interact with family, friends, and strangers. Our beliefs help mold our educational experiences and our vocational decisions. Every aspect of life is directly impacted by what we believe about ourselves.

There are several questions you can ask yourself regarding those lies you believe, and in this blog we’ll look at one of the first questions:

What do you steal from others when you continue to project this lie?

We are aware of, at least on some level how believing this lie affects us; how it impacts our self esteem and what messages we give ourselves. But by believing this lie we also affect our relationships with others – we keep those who care for us at a distance. We steal from them the opportunity to care for us, to love us.

For example – let’s say the lie you believe is ‘I deserve to have bad things happen to me because I am a bad person’. This lie may have come from any number of places; our interactions with those important to us growing up for instance. Parents, teachers, those who played a central role in your life, even for a brief period of time.

And the conclusion you came to; ‘I deserve to have bad things happen to me because I am a bad person’ is based on your interpretations of those interactions and other life events. Those people may have never intended to influence you in such a way, or for you to come to this conclusion about yourself, but that doesn’t matter because this is what you came to believe and still hold true about yourself.

Take a moment now, close your eyes, and think about what it is you believe about yourself. Remembering how your belief influences your thoughts and behaviors, not only with strangers and acquaintances such as co-workers, but particularly with those you are close to. Ask yourself; ‘what am I preventing people from doing or saying when I act on this lie?’

Letting go of the lie can be difficult. We’ve had this in our lives for so long, and while it’s not been healthy, while it’s hurt us, it’s what we know.

But you can let go. You can quit the lie and be healthier and happier. Be aware of when you act on your lie and decide to do something differently. Just doing one thing differently is going to create change in your life and you are going to be different.

Do that one thing.

Namaste
Dennis

What's Eating You?

I recently returned from my internship training regarding advanced practices using hypnosis. The focus was on treating eating disorders. The time spent was not only about treating the ‘traditional’ eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive eating, but also focused on unhealthy practices we have in life.

‘What’s consuming you’ or ‘what and where are you consuming junk in your life that keep or prevent you from doing good things for yourself and others’?

Great question. Many of us believe something negative or unhealthy about ourselves that stops or impedes us from developing in our physical, emotional, intellectual and/or spiritual lives.

Think about it. What do you believe about yourself? If you’re not sure, then one way to begin answering that question is paying attention to the messages you give yourself. When you do something good, or make a mistake what do you say to yourself? When you lie in bed at the end of the day, before you fall asleep, what runs through your mind? The answers help you understand what it is you believe about yourself.

Look at patterns in your life. What kind of people do you attract regarding relationships, either romantic or friendship/social. What kind of vocation or employment do you have or have you had? Are you always ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ in life?

Does the way you live your life reflect that you are a victim, or that you hassle others, or that you rescue people?

You don’t have to keep being like this. You can be different. Even if you have lived your entire life believing/consuming the lie or lies about yourself. That you’re not good. That you deserve what you have. That you have earned your pain. That you’re a bad person. I say none of this is true.

I have been a therapist long enough to know that you can be different. You can change. I watch people do it every day. I do it.

So stop consuming the lie. Be different.

Namaste
Dennis

Commencement

Well, I went to my youngest son’s graduation ceremony. It was so cool to see him in his cap and gown, he had this huge grin, and I don’t think anything could have made it disappear.

I did my thing, taking pictures as I did with my other kids’ graduations, laughing with him; we hugged each other so tightly my arms were tired. Good hugs. He was ready to leave and spend the evening celebrating with his friends but it was touching and also a measure of his maturity because he took time to spend talking with Rainie and I talking about the ceremony, his feelings and anything else we brought up. He acted as though he could spend the whole evening talking with us.

And now, boy, are we tired! On the drive home we talked about this part of our lives being over. No more kids in grade, middle, or high school. Kind of weird. No more plays, practices, or games to attend. No more sales of candy or candles. No more struggles with homework or last minute reports that need typing. We’re not the first, or last to go through this, but it is unique. I hate clichés but, it is a ‘bitter-sweet’ time.

And I feel good about it. He’s a good kid, and we’re looking forward (kind of) to his trek to college. It’s always struck me as funny, that although I’ve been a therapist and healer for thirty plus years, and I know that events like my son’s graduation will impact me, and most likely how I’ll be impacted emotionally, it doesn’t change a thing. I still feel happy and sad about it. I just know how normal it is and that ‘this too shall pass’.

Namaste
Dennis

On Leaving the Nest

Recently, I was with my youngest son – I picked him up and we went and got him a tuxedo for his last prom as a high school student. He’s a senior and has been accepted at Ohio University. I wanted him to go to University of Cincinnati, but I think it was just too close to Dad for him. He didn’t want me to be able to reach out and touch him.

Renting a tuxedo is one of our ‘father/son’ things we do. I enjoy all of it except the bill and he likes our time together. We get a chance to talk about things in a relaxed way – we’re focusing on his tuxedo, so our conversations are kind of free-flowing, moving from topic to topic, we’re just hanging out together.

So we rent the tuxedo and we head back to Cincinnati for the weekend together. We’re heading down interstate 75, and I’m asking him about college. He’d been telling me he wanted to be a doctor but had recently said he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. So I’m asking him if he had come to a decision about a major.

It was then he surprised me. He started crying. I started asking him what was going on. He began talking about how much pressure he was feeling about college. That he had no idea what he wanted to do, that he was the only one of the three kids (he has 2 older brothers) to go to college and that he had to succeed, but what if he failed? And he was going to really be on his own for the first time.

I began talking to him about his fears and concerns, normalizing his feelings, and telling him how proud I am of him and how he’s going to be just fine.

I think it’s important to remember that our kids leaving home have fears they may not be talking about. I’d suggest parents talk about the changes that are coming if the kid doesn’t bring it up first. Listen to any concerns/fears/pressures and spend time acknowledging them. Help them see how normal they are and how supportive you are. This may be more than one conversation to have, and I’d suggest you regularly ‘check in’ with your kid to see how they’re feeling after you’ve talked; answer any other questions or concerns they may have.

My point is: listen to their concerns – be honest and supportive and remember - we left home and had some of these same feelings they have now. It’s weird to be on ‘the other side’ of this leaving home thing.

Namaste
Dennis Mendleson/The Cincinnati Therapy Guy

The Sands of Time

My birthday is upon me again. It does not feel like it’s been a year that’s gone by. And I turn 53. Aging has always been difficult for me to deal with. The idea of my body slowly breaking down has not been very appealing.

But, I’m learning something different. While my body is breaking down, it is not what it used to be. I am not able to run, jump, fall, climb or see like I used to, I’m also aware that my body isn’t ‘turning on’ me like I thought it would.

And I get to see what kind of men my sons are turning into. I like that. And I know my wife better, and I love her more, and I enjoy even more spending time with her. Those are really good things.

And I know more than I used to know, from reading, talking with people, attending lectures/workshops and from experience. That comes in handy.

And I really kind of like moving a little slower than I used to. I really have begun seeing what’s around me to appreciate.

So I’m grateful for my age. I’m better than I used to be, and I like that.

Cincinnati Therapy Guy's Anniversary

April 1st marks the 1 year anniversary of opening up my full time private practice – It’s been a fun year!

I had a part time private practice going for about 10 years or so – working a couple of nights a week, or on a Saturday morning. My wife had been talking to me about the work I had been doing, helping people and couples and believed that if I opened an office for a ‘full time’ practice that I could help a lot more folks. She spoke to me about this off and on for about a year before I finally agreed to her idea. She believes in me and what I do – she came up with my practice name, ‘Cincinnati Therapy Guy’; she made bumper stickers with a catchy phrase ‘He’s Hypnotic!’ on them; she convinced me to blog (she wants me to do this more often and I’m working on that), she developed my website and logo of the pocket watch (a connection to the hypnosis work I do). She was instrumental in coming up with my current brochure; she is my biggest fan and I cannot stress the importance of having someone in ‘your corner’ like this – it makes all the difference.

I remember being told by someone last year in March when I announced that I was going to start my practice, ‘this really isn’t a good time to do that sort of thing, because of the economy’ – I heard what that person said, thanked them for that feedback and pushed on ahead. I found an office site (6900 Silverton Avenue) in Silverton, near the Kenwood Towne Center, had business cards made, took my brochures, and hit the town making calls on Doctor’s offices, businesses and any place I could put up a card on a wall. I joined the Greater Cincinnati Regional Chamber of Commerce and have since renewed my membership with them; a very good thing to do.

The first couple months were spent networking; getting my name ‘out there’ in the community (I still need to do this) and making contacts and connections. Talking to people about the work I do, how long I’ve been doing this work, and answering questions.

And as I did this, my anxiety was pretty high. My wife though, she reminded me ‘trust - The Universe will provide’ – a difficult message for me to hear. I had spent my life relying on myself and my own abilities and skills, but I had never done before what I am doing now. And I listened to her, and I did, and I still do, and The Universe provides. But that doesn’t mean I sit on my butt and wait for The Universe to drop people in my lap. My job is to keep my eyes open for opportunities that present themselves and then act on those opportunities. It means presenting topics to organizations, and talking to people.

So the year has been fun. I’ve met a lot of people and look forward to meeting even more folks. My wife likes to tell me that I help people who are ‘stuck’ somewhere in life. I agree with that. I help people get ‘unstuck’ and move forward on their life path.

If you feel stuck, if you’re in pain and you’re not feeling like what you are doing is working or relieving your pain, give me a call – 471-2250 or email me and we’ll talk about what we can do together. I have been doing this for over 30 years because I believe people get unstuck.

Namaste
Dennis Mendleson/The Cincinnati Therapy Guy

Does Love Hurt?

Sometimes and it shouldn't. There's been a lot of talk about domestic violence since the incident between Rhianna and Chris Brown. Quite a few people have been very vocal about what Rhianna should or shouldn't do about or with the relationship. And her alleged decision about returning to him has folks up in arms.

This brings up a good question: what do you do if you know someone in an abusive relationship?

I have several suggestions -

1. Listen to the person. When someone who is in an abusive relationship talks to a friend, that friend spends a great deal of time and energy giving out direction and advice. If someone comes to you and begins talking about being abused in their relationship, give that person a chance to talk. Don’t spend time telling the person what they ‘should’ do. They're probably used to being told what to do by the person who is abusing them. Be different. Remember, the person has chosen you to talk to. That speaks volumes about you and your relationship.

2. When the person is finished talking/telling you what they need to say, thank the person for talking to you. Remember, it took guts for the person to do this. People in abusive relationships are often afraid to say anything, fearing what they say will get back to the abuser.

3. When you have listened, and are given the opportunity to say something, you can tell the person something like:

A. 'Being abused is not your fault' - often the person says something in response like, 'yeah, I know', but they may not believe their own words or the person may be thinking 'well, if I didn't say (fill in the blank here) or if I didn't do (fill in the blank here) then I wouldn't be abused'. It is good to remind the person 'you are not responsible for being abused'.

AND

B. 'You deserve to be in a relationship and not be abused'. A statement like this can help reinforce the message that 'you have the right to always be safe'.

4. Ask the person 'how can I help you', or 'what can I do to help'? Rather than assuming you know what the person wants, ask.

5. Give the person the phone number to the local domestic violence program here in Hamilton County that's answered 24 hours a day - 513-381-5610 and the phone number to the National Domestic Violence Hotline phone number - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Counseling is helpful and needed. Being in an abusive relationship effects the person’s self esteem, and how the person sees/views men, relationships, and the world. The person needs to speak with a professional who can help.

And lastly, remember: don't judge the person. That person who's chosen to talk to you needs your support, and they have most likely already put themselves down enough for being in the place they're in.

So be supportive.

Challenges of Adoption

I recently spent some time with friends after work. We’d not seen each other for several months and it was really good to catch up with what they’re doing. As we were talking one of them brought up the subject of adoption.

I’ve been thinking about the people I’ve worked with regarding adoption. I admire people who foster or adopt children. I also admire the children being adopted. It takes a great deal of love and determination to adopt and be adopted.

I think about how people open their hearts and homes to children and the strength needed when accepting children into their homes. The love it takes to do this is amazing. And love is not only cuddling or holding these children. It involves talking to the child about the rules of the home and what is expected. Clear, simple rules work really well for children going through the adoption process with the family.

Love involves providing consistent structure and discipline to the child – these have usually been lacking in most of the child’s life. Of the families I’ve seen, one of the biggest struggles is for everyone to get used to the rules and consequences, and accepting that the family really does love and care for the child. The child very often rebels against structure. He or she has not had it for most, if not all of his or her life. And if the family has children in the home already, ether their own biological or other adopted children, the newest child coming into the home usually feels out of place and not part of the family. The family includes the child, and eventually the child begins feeling as though he or she is part of the family.

And for the child, it’s a matter of working through feeling rejected by the very people who brought him or her into this world. The hurt and pain associated with that rejection can be too much to bear, and the child can and does make excuses either verbally or in his or her head reasons why they he or she was abandoned and often expectations are that his or her parents are going to come back. This also makes accepting love very difficult for the child. He or she feels, on some level, that by accepting the family’s love they are giving up on their biological parents. Unruly behaviors can sometimes be associated with this conflict they feel. The younger the child is, the greater difficulty they have understanding and working through these thoughts and feelings.

In spite of these difficulties, I have seen the adoption process work really well. I’ve watched families work through these and other issues and develop strong loving relationships that last. It takes patience, understanding and lots of love.

Support Systems

Recently I read where a man killed his wife, their children and then himself. Both he and his wife had lost their jobs.

I don’t think we need any clearer sign our economic meltdown has reached a crisis state.

A difficult thing, losing your job. Much of our identities are tied up in work. We talk about what we do for a living when making small talk; one of the first things we ask when meeting someone is ‘what do you do for a living’?

My wife and I each have had our positions at work eliminated, and lost our jobs. When it happened we each said, ‘this isn’t fair’ and ‘I did everything right, everything they asked of me’, and ‘this shouldn’t happen to me’. I know that my wife and I each grieved our loss; I was really pissed off, and my wife cried. But what I know is that when it happened to me she was there to help me back to my feet, dust me off, and set me on my way again. And I believe she felt the same support from me when it happened to her.

It is that thing; having at least one person in life that is supportive to you, who is in your corner. It may be a family member, it may be a friend, but it is someone (or more than one person) who says ‘c’mon, let me help you back to your feet – you can do this’.

This person (or these people) love you. Period. They know you are not perfect. They see your warts, and they call you on your shit. They support you and they are your cheerleading section when you need one.

Do you have that person or those people in your life? Do you have someone you can allow to see you cry; to see you at your most vulnerable moment?

If you do, then let them know how important they are in your life. Take them to lunch or dinner. Buy them and ‘Thank You’ card and mail it to them, even if you live together. Give them a really nice ‘Valentine’s Day’ card.

If you don’t, you really do. I know that probably doesn’t make sense but my point is, you do have someone in your life, somewhere, right now who can be that person. You have to be ‘open’ to finding that person. And by ‘open’ I mean willing to begin talking with someone, talk about you, listen to the other person, develop a relationship, and then a friendship. It starts there, and then grows.

It doesn’t happen overnight. And not everyone is willing to be that kind of person in your life. But don’t give up. Don’t stop looking.

If you’re not sure how to do this, then find a counselor who can help you learn.

Never Met a Stranger

Recently, I was sitting in Panera enjoying a bagel and a cup of coffee – (I’m fond of the sesame bagel, toasted with plain cream cheese). The place gets pretty crowded during lunch hour. I enjoy being around all the people – the energy from everyone is pretty cool.

So I’m sitting there, and two guys, one about 35 or so, and the other looked about 65; they knew each other, and were talking. I’d never seen either before. The younger guy looks over at me and says, ‘I think you’re the oldest guy here using a laptop’. I looked at him, grinning and said something like ‘yeah, not all of us old guys are afraid of technology’.

The three of us then began chatting. Talking about what they do for a living, about what they’d been doing that morning, how they knew each other, and how long they’ve known each other. It was a pleasant conversation. When they asked what I do, we began another conversation about the work I do and the types of problems people come to see me about.

Both guys were likable and we had a friendly conversation. Throughout our conversation I was thinking a couple things:1) how often I get into conversations with people I have never met, and 2) how have I known these souls and in what context in previous lifetimes?

Have you ever walked into a social situation where you didn't know anyone and eventually, you start a conversation with someone and you're immediately comfortable with that person? I think when we’re attracted to people, or when people are drawn to us, it is because we’ve known each other and had positive interactions together in previous lifetimes.

I think the reverse is also true - how we sometimes dislike a person on sight, before they've spoken a word or even made eye contact. Perhaps we have encountered this person in another lifetime and had negative interactions.

When I have a ‘chance encounter’ (although I really don’t think anything is chance) with someone I ask myself, ‘what’s my lesson here, what do I need to get from this’? Sometimes I think it’s just ‘relax dude, it’s all ok’.

So, what do you think? Do you believe you've lived before? Do you think the people you have surrounded yourself with were with you before? Have you ever connected with someone right away, like you'd known them all your life?