Challenges of Adoption

I recently spent some time with friends after work. We’d not seen each other for several months and it was really good to catch up with what they’re doing. As we were talking one of them brought up the subject of adoption.

I’ve been thinking about the people I’ve worked with regarding adoption. I admire people who foster or adopt children. I also admire the children being adopted. It takes a great deal of love and determination to adopt and be adopted.

I think about how people open their hearts and homes to children and the strength needed when accepting children into their homes. The love it takes to do this is amazing. And love is not only cuddling or holding these children. It involves talking to the child about the rules of the home and what is expected. Clear, simple rules work really well for children going through the adoption process with the family.

Love involves providing consistent structure and discipline to the child – these have usually been lacking in most of the child’s life. Of the families I’ve seen, one of the biggest struggles is for everyone to get used to the rules and consequences, and accepting that the family really does love and care for the child. The child very often rebels against structure. He or she has not had it for most, if not all of his or her life. And if the family has children in the home already, ether their own biological or other adopted children, the newest child coming into the home usually feels out of place and not part of the family. The family includes the child, and eventually the child begins feeling as though he or she is part of the family.

And for the child, it’s a matter of working through feeling rejected by the very people who brought him or her into this world. The hurt and pain associated with that rejection can be too much to bear, and the child can and does make excuses either verbally or in his or her head reasons why they he or she was abandoned and often expectations are that his or her parents are going to come back. This also makes accepting love very difficult for the child. He or she feels, on some level, that by accepting the family’s love they are giving up on their biological parents. Unruly behaviors can sometimes be associated with this conflict they feel. The younger the child is, the greater difficulty they have understanding and working through these thoughts and feelings.

In spite of these difficulties, I have seen the adoption process work really well. I’ve watched families work through these and other issues and develop strong loving relationships that last. It takes patience, understanding and lots of love.