Communication Blockage

People often come see me regarding relationship difficulties. Let’s face it – we are social beings, and for the most part we want to be connected with people. I do. Most of us do. So if we’re all that interested in connecting to others, why all the problems?

As usual, I have a couple thoughts about this. I’ve been working as a clinical counselor for the past 30 years of my life, in a variety of work environments. In no way does this mean I’m the expert with the final answer, or that I’m perfect. But, along with the years of training I’ve gone through and continue to go through, and the number of people I’ve worked with, it does provide me with some observations, thoughts, and opinions about what I have seen.

I love my wife. She’s a wonderful person who provides me with support and encouragement. We are a great team, and we compliment each other’s strengths. We communicate well with each other. Lots of goodness here. But – we don’t shop well together.

Recently, we went shopping for a number of items to put in our back yard. Sounds like a simple thing, make a couple stops, pick up what we need, go home. We even knew what we needed; we knew where to go and what to look for.

Trouble began looking for light fixtures. It became clear to me that what we wanted wasn’t there, and I announced this to my wife and told her what we needed to do. I felt some tension between us after purchasing the lights, but didn’t say anything because I was sure I’d made the right decision for us.

We then went to a nursery we both like to look for plants. After pulling in the parking lot, we noticed a goat in a pen behind the nursery, and my wife being the animal lover she is started toward the pen to pet the goat. My thought was, ‘that’s a smelly goat – she pets that thing and she’s going to smell like the goat, and we’re not here to pet the goat, we’re here for plants’. So, in my infinite wisdom and with much compassion in my voice, I said ‘we don’t have time to pet that goat – let’s find plants’. We found all the plants we needed and returned home.

Later, we sat down and talked about the tension between us.

What happened between us happens a lot in relationships. People have different agendas and goals; and this is ok. Problems arise when either one person doesn’t clearly communicate his or her agenda or goals or they are not acknowledged and incorporated as part of the agenda or goals for the couple.

My point: My wife and I had different agendas regarding shopping. I did not take time to ask her opinion or discuss what she wanted – instead, I decided I knew what my wife wanted to have happen, and I knew what needed to happen to get lighting and plants. What I failed to do was talk to my wife. A simple thing that would have taken maybe 5 minutes and our outing would have had a completely different outcome.

Couples often find themselves in arguments, at odds, and becoming disconnected emotionally from each other because they don’t take the time to talk, listen, to or acknowledge the other person’s agendas or goals. Each is too busy trying to make their point, neither listens to the other. Who’s right and who’s wrong becomes what’s most important. Or, as in my case, one person thinks they know what the other person wants or what‘s best for the other person.

Talk, and listen to each other. Pay attention to what the other person says. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes, or see the issue/problem from the other person’s perspective.

Are there things my wife could have done to help the situation? I’m sure there are. But if I spent my time and energy talking to her about what she needed to have done differently, she would have felt attacked; she would have felt as though I were saying that it was entirely her fault.

Instead of pointing out what the other person needs to do differently, look at yourself. What do you need to do to improve the relationship? Typically, each person knows what he or she could have done to prevent an argument. And when each person looks at himself/herself to make changes rather than point at what the other person needs to do, positive change occurs, and the relationship wins.

[Editor's Note: The editor of this blog is Dennis's wife. I chalked this outing up to the difference in the "hunter" and the "gatherer". I wanted to do something that goes against Dennis's moral fiber: I wanted to look around...browse. I left the house with a general idea of what I wanted; I was not on a mission. I wanted to pet goats, gets some plants, maybe stop later for a milkshake...Dennis was on a mission. The objective: obtain needed items and exit the shopping area as soon as possible. Neither of us was wrong in our approach; we just didn't determine whether we were hunting or we were gathering before we set out.]