Does Going to a Counselor Mean We Are Breaking Up?

I often see couples for counseling. I’ve heard any number of people say, ‘I tried couples (or marriage) counseling, but it didn’t work for me’ or, another common statement is, ‘I won’t go to a couples’ counselor because I’ll be told we need to split up and I don’t want to hear that’ – On very few occasions in my past 30 years of work have I recommended people ‘split up’ and not continue their relationship. These are times when I have been very concerned about the safety of one or both people, and there are no indications the relationship is going to become safe. Under these conditions I have suggested the couple not remain together for safety reasons.

Of the couples I see, typically one person wants counseling and the other person is, at best, ‘riding the fence’ about staying in the relationship. Usually the person seeking counseling has been happier in the relationship and is surprised his or her partner is unhappy and considering leaving, although this is not always the case.

One of the biggest factors that impacts whether the relationship is going to remain intact is how ‘done’ or ‘finished’ the dissatisfied partner is. Usually one person feels as though he or she has been telling the other person ‘I’m unhappy’ for some time, but doesn’t feel their partner is listening; or if he or she is listening, isn’t doing anything to address their concerns. By the time they’ve scheduled an appointment and get into counseling, the relationship is in crisis.

Usually the person who’s unhappy will say something like ‘well, I’m willing to give it one more try, but if it doesn’t get better quick, I’m gone’ - an ultimatum, which is not good and doesn’t bode well for the survival of the relationship.

I assign ‘homework’ to couples. I do this because they are spending only one hour of each week in my office talking about the relationship. Homework lets people begin improving the relationship during the rest of the week. It also forces the couple to focus on their relationship and each other. Homework can also move the relationship to a new level very quickly. When one person repeatedly doesn’t work on homework, it can become very clear right away whether that person is motivated to improve the relationship. While that can be very painful, it also begins to bring closure that may be needed for the relationship.

On the other hand, when both people work on their assignments and begin making the relationship a priority, their dedication to their partner is obvious. Sometimes the effort shown by each partner renews faith in the relationship. My job from that point is to help them retain that focus, let go of past hurts and resentment, and help them move forward – together.

My suggestions – listen to your partner and respond to what he or she is saying to you. Ignoring it won’t make it disappear, and in fact it only helps the problem get bigger.

Have you been to couples counseling? Do you think it helped your relationship? Care to share your story?