What’s up with us guys?

In my time working with couples I’ve seen a pattern – not with every couple that has come to me for counseling, but this one pattern repeats itself...in couple after couple.

It goes like this:

Of the two, the wife or girlfriend has been the most unhappy – reporting that she’s been unhappy with some aspect of the husband’s or boyfriend’s behavior and tells me she’s tried telling him she’s unhappy, but he’s not heard her – she knows this because he’s not acknowledged to her that he’s heard her, and hasn’t changed his behaviors – I then think, ‘well, maybe she’s not telling him what she’s unhappy about very clearly, or she’s giving him ‘mixed messages’ (she tells him she’s unhappy with his behavior one time, and then she’ll give him a message that what he’s doing is ok); but, when I have asked her what she’s done to tell him she is unhappy, she has usually been pretty clear and consistently giving him the same message – ‘I don’t like it when you do ____’ (fill in the blank with a behavior)
She’s been unhappy for a while – usually 6 months or more.

The husband or boyfriend is stunned that she’s unhappy with him. And usually he’s been pretty happy in the relationship.

Now, if what I’ve just said sounds sexist, I’d agree with you. It does. Except, with a lot of couples, it’s also true.

So, I spend time helping the couple communicate in a clear way. One person says something to the other, and, especially when therapy is just starting, I’ll ask the other person what they heard and ask them to repeat the message back. Which brings up another interesting thing – often times, we guys completely miss what’s being said to us. What are we thinking??? So, when, in this case the guy repeats back what he heard his wife or girlfriend say, and it’s really off the mark, she becomes frustrated, often time looking at me and usually says something like, ‘see? He never listens to me!!’ Meanwhile, the guy sits there with this hangdog look on his face, clearly indicating he didn’t get the message.

And what she said to him usually isn’t very complicated. It may be something as simple as ‘you never tell me you love me anymore’. After I remind her that ‘never’ is so absolute, and is probably inaccurate, she then adjusts her statement to reflect ‘I can’t remember the last time you told me you loved me.’ And that she wants to hear him say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. I continue to explore with both their views about each other, and what they want from each other; it is clear to me the guy wants the relationship to continue. He doesn’t want it to end.

So, I’ll assign homework. Something for each of them to do to improve their relationship. I’ll remind each of them that no one is perfect, that there will be mistakes made regarding their homework, but the important thing is whether or not they are at least partially doing their homework.

When they come back, usually they both report being successful completing their homework assignments. And here’s another area where we guys screw up. The guy comes back, proud that he’d done what his wife or girlfriend had asked him to do, and expecting the relationship to be ‘on the mend’, and moving back to ‘being normal again’. The wife though, says something like, ‘I’ve been asking for this for the past 6 months – you doing this just one week doesn’t prove that you’ve really changed.’

So the guy is hurt and pissed. But, is able to recover and recognize that one week doesn’t reflect permanent change. So, they go back out to work some more, and have success; It’s hit some snags, again usually us guys have messed up a couple times, but for the most part it’s been successful.

Now here’s where we guys screw it up, again. After about 3 or maybe 4 weeks of showing her that, except for a few slip ups, changes have been made, and the wife or girlfriend hasn’t ‘gone back’ to how she behaved in their relationship before ‘problems’ existed, the husband or boyfriend gets really angry and says something like ‘I give up’.

Brilliant. That really helps the relationship, and is exactly what she wanted to hear. Not.

My experience as a couples’ therapist is that in the relationship, the female usually complains about something wrong for an extended period of time before being ‘fed up’, while we guys, if we don’t see change pretty quickly, we’ll say ‘it’s not fixable’ and begin moving on.

Again, I want to say this isn’t true in every relationship. But it is a pattern I’ve seen over the years. So guys, does this pattern sound familiar to you? Is it a pattern you’ve been able to overcome? For guys who haven’t run into this, why do you think that is? What do you think you do that these other guys could learn from?

Does Going to a Counselor Mean We Are Breaking Up?

I often see couples for counseling. I’ve heard any number of people say, ‘I tried couples (or marriage) counseling, but it didn’t work for me’ or, another common statement is, ‘I won’t go to a couples’ counselor because I’ll be told we need to split up and I don’t want to hear that’ – On very few occasions in my past 30 years of work have I recommended people ‘split up’ and not continue their relationship. These are times when I have been very concerned about the safety of one or both people, and there are no indications the relationship is going to become safe. Under these conditions I have suggested the couple not remain together for safety reasons.

Of the couples I see, typically one person wants counseling and the other person is, at best, ‘riding the fence’ about staying in the relationship. Usually the person seeking counseling has been happier in the relationship and is surprised his or her partner is unhappy and considering leaving, although this is not always the case.

One of the biggest factors that impacts whether the relationship is going to remain intact is how ‘done’ or ‘finished’ the dissatisfied partner is. Usually one person feels as though he or she has been telling the other person ‘I’m unhappy’ for some time, but doesn’t feel their partner is listening; or if he or she is listening, isn’t doing anything to address their concerns. By the time they’ve scheduled an appointment and get into counseling, the relationship is in crisis.

Usually the person who’s unhappy will say something like ‘well, I’m willing to give it one more try, but if it doesn’t get better quick, I’m gone’ - an ultimatum, which is not good and doesn’t bode well for the survival of the relationship.

I assign ‘homework’ to couples. I do this because they are spending only one hour of each week in my office talking about the relationship. Homework lets people begin improving the relationship during the rest of the week. It also forces the couple to focus on their relationship and each other. Homework can also move the relationship to a new level very quickly. When one person repeatedly doesn’t work on homework, it can become very clear right away whether that person is motivated to improve the relationship. While that can be very painful, it also begins to bring closure that may be needed for the relationship.

On the other hand, when both people work on their assignments and begin making the relationship a priority, their dedication to their partner is obvious. Sometimes the effort shown by each partner renews faith in the relationship. My job from that point is to help them retain that focus, let go of past hurts and resentment, and help them move forward – together.

My suggestions – listen to your partner and respond to what he or she is saying to you. Ignoring it won’t make it disappear, and in fact it only helps the problem get bigger.

Have you been to couples counseling? Do you think it helped your relationship? Care to share your story?