The Sands of Time

My birthday is upon me again. It does not feel like it’s been a year that’s gone by. And I turn 53. Aging has always been difficult for me to deal with. The idea of my body slowly breaking down has not been very appealing.

But, I’m learning something different. While my body is breaking down, it is not what it used to be. I am not able to run, jump, fall, climb or see like I used to, I’m also aware that my body isn’t ‘turning on’ me like I thought it would.

And I get to see what kind of men my sons are turning into. I like that. And I know my wife better, and I love her more, and I enjoy even more spending time with her. Those are really good things.

And I know more than I used to know, from reading, talking with people, attending lectures/workshops and from experience. That comes in handy.

And I really kind of like moving a little slower than I used to. I really have begun seeing what’s around me to appreciate.

So I’m grateful for my age. I’m better than I used to be, and I like that.

Can't Get No...

Sex – one of the most sensitive issues people deal with – either individually or as a couple.

One of the more common problems I’ve seen has been E.D., or erectile dysfunction. I have worked with guys individually and couples regarding this problem. While the advent of the ‘little blue pill’ has decreased the number of people coming to me with this problem, I still see people with this concern.

While it can be a funny topic and easy to joke about, when it becomes a personal problem it can be embarrassing and isolating. Typically the guy isn’t talking to anyone about this, and let’s face it: this is not something we guys usually sit down over a beer and say to our friends, ‘I can’t get an erection’.

And I’ve found that talking to your spouse or partner can be just as difficult. I was seeing a couple who was in a strong relationship but had been having difficulties sexually for several months. He couldn’t get an erection, or, when he did, he could not maintain an erection. They tried everything they could think of to make it better without success. The final straw for them was one evening after yet another failure for them sexually, his wife began sobbing while leaning over the guy’s penis. I try not to picture that.

There are lots of factors that can contribute to this kind or type of problem. The first thing to rule out is any medical problem. I’ll ask if that has been checked out. If not, then I instruct them to do so. A medical problem may be easily resolved. Some common medications can also cause E.D. and men should discuss this frustrating side effect with their doctor.

Another very common problem people have that impacts them sexually is stress. The thing about stress is when you’re experiencing stress, you usually don’t see it or aren’t aware of it. This is especially true if the stress has been going on for a while. Many times I’ve seen this problem resolve itself when the stress or stressors have been identified and either effectively dealt with or resolved.

Another possible concern is this sexual concern may be related to a relationship problem with your partner or wife. This has the potential to be serious; but then, maybe not. I’ve seen problems resolved when couples hold meaningful conversations. There are times when, during a conversation or over the course of several conversations, each becomes aware that there are serious issues that need to be addressed and have manifested into a problem with sex. But addressing these issues in counseling can be very helpful. It can completely revive a seemingly dying relationship.

So, while talking with a stranger about ‘not being able to get it up’ is difficult, knowing that you are working with a professional, someone who has training, experience, sensitivity, and objectivity dealing with this concern can be reassuring. I’d suggest you talk with someone.

What’s up with us guys?

In my time working with couples I’ve seen a pattern – not with every couple that has come to me for counseling, but this one pattern repeats itself...in couple after couple.

It goes like this:

Of the two, the wife or girlfriend has been the most unhappy – reporting that she’s been unhappy with some aspect of the husband’s or boyfriend’s behavior and tells me she’s tried telling him she’s unhappy, but he’s not heard her – she knows this because he’s not acknowledged to her that he’s heard her, and hasn’t changed his behaviors – I then think, ‘well, maybe she’s not telling him what she’s unhappy about very clearly, or she’s giving him ‘mixed messages’ (she tells him she’s unhappy with his behavior one time, and then she’ll give him a message that what he’s doing is ok); but, when I have asked her what she’s done to tell him she is unhappy, she has usually been pretty clear and consistently giving him the same message – ‘I don’t like it when you do ____’ (fill in the blank with a behavior)
She’s been unhappy for a while – usually 6 months or more.

The husband or boyfriend is stunned that she’s unhappy with him. And usually he’s been pretty happy in the relationship.

Now, if what I’ve just said sounds sexist, I’d agree with you. It does. Except, with a lot of couples, it’s also true.

So, I spend time helping the couple communicate in a clear way. One person says something to the other, and, especially when therapy is just starting, I’ll ask the other person what they heard and ask them to repeat the message back. Which brings up another interesting thing – often times, we guys completely miss what’s being said to us. What are we thinking??? So, when, in this case the guy repeats back what he heard his wife or girlfriend say, and it’s really off the mark, she becomes frustrated, often time looking at me and usually says something like, ‘see? He never listens to me!!’ Meanwhile, the guy sits there with this hangdog look on his face, clearly indicating he didn’t get the message.

And what she said to him usually isn’t very complicated. It may be something as simple as ‘you never tell me you love me anymore’. After I remind her that ‘never’ is so absolute, and is probably inaccurate, she then adjusts her statement to reflect ‘I can’t remember the last time you told me you loved me.’ And that she wants to hear him say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. I continue to explore with both their views about each other, and what they want from each other; it is clear to me the guy wants the relationship to continue. He doesn’t want it to end.

So, I’ll assign homework. Something for each of them to do to improve their relationship. I’ll remind each of them that no one is perfect, that there will be mistakes made regarding their homework, but the important thing is whether or not they are at least partially doing their homework.

When they come back, usually they both report being successful completing their homework assignments. And here’s another area where we guys screw up. The guy comes back, proud that he’d done what his wife or girlfriend had asked him to do, and expecting the relationship to be ‘on the mend’, and moving back to ‘being normal again’. The wife though, says something like, ‘I’ve been asking for this for the past 6 months – you doing this just one week doesn’t prove that you’ve really changed.’

So the guy is hurt and pissed. But, is able to recover and recognize that one week doesn’t reflect permanent change. So, they go back out to work some more, and have success; It’s hit some snags, again usually us guys have messed up a couple times, but for the most part it’s been successful.

Now here’s where we guys screw it up, again. After about 3 or maybe 4 weeks of showing her that, except for a few slip ups, changes have been made, and the wife or girlfriend hasn’t ‘gone back’ to how she behaved in their relationship before ‘problems’ existed, the husband or boyfriend gets really angry and says something like ‘I give up’.

Brilliant. That really helps the relationship, and is exactly what she wanted to hear. Not.

My experience as a couples’ therapist is that in the relationship, the female usually complains about something wrong for an extended period of time before being ‘fed up’, while we guys, if we don’t see change pretty quickly, we’ll say ‘it’s not fixable’ and begin moving on.

Again, I want to say this isn’t true in every relationship. But it is a pattern I’ve seen over the years. So guys, does this pattern sound familiar to you? Is it a pattern you’ve been able to overcome? For guys who haven’t run into this, why do you think that is? What do you think you do that these other guys could learn from?

Does Going to a Counselor Mean We Are Breaking Up?

I often see couples for counseling. I’ve heard any number of people say, ‘I tried couples (or marriage) counseling, but it didn’t work for me’ or, another common statement is, ‘I won’t go to a couples’ counselor because I’ll be told we need to split up and I don’t want to hear that’ – On very few occasions in my past 30 years of work have I recommended people ‘split up’ and not continue their relationship. These are times when I have been very concerned about the safety of one or both people, and there are no indications the relationship is going to become safe. Under these conditions I have suggested the couple not remain together for safety reasons.

Of the couples I see, typically one person wants counseling and the other person is, at best, ‘riding the fence’ about staying in the relationship. Usually the person seeking counseling has been happier in the relationship and is surprised his or her partner is unhappy and considering leaving, although this is not always the case.

One of the biggest factors that impacts whether the relationship is going to remain intact is how ‘done’ or ‘finished’ the dissatisfied partner is. Usually one person feels as though he or she has been telling the other person ‘I’m unhappy’ for some time, but doesn’t feel their partner is listening; or if he or she is listening, isn’t doing anything to address their concerns. By the time they’ve scheduled an appointment and get into counseling, the relationship is in crisis.

Usually the person who’s unhappy will say something like ‘well, I’m willing to give it one more try, but if it doesn’t get better quick, I’m gone’ - an ultimatum, which is not good and doesn’t bode well for the survival of the relationship.

I assign ‘homework’ to couples. I do this because they are spending only one hour of each week in my office talking about the relationship. Homework lets people begin improving the relationship during the rest of the week. It also forces the couple to focus on their relationship and each other. Homework can also move the relationship to a new level very quickly. When one person repeatedly doesn’t work on homework, it can become very clear right away whether that person is motivated to improve the relationship. While that can be very painful, it also begins to bring closure that may be needed for the relationship.

On the other hand, when both people work on their assignments and begin making the relationship a priority, their dedication to their partner is obvious. Sometimes the effort shown by each partner renews faith in the relationship. My job from that point is to help them retain that focus, let go of past hurts and resentment, and help them move forward – together.

My suggestions – listen to your partner and respond to what he or she is saying to you. Ignoring it won’t make it disappear, and in fact it only helps the problem get bigger.

Have you been to couples counseling? Do you think it helped your relationship? Care to share your story?

Parenting – the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, and you couldn’t pay me enough to ever do this again.

I hope all the dads out there had a good Father’s Day last Sunday – I have 3 kids, all young men; 2 adults and the youngest in high school – my youngest and I spent the day together, and my other 2 called, wishing me a happy Father’s Day.

I spent time thinking about the hard decisions I’ve made as a father – and how often parents come to see me in therapy about their children, the conflicts they’re having, and the decisions they’re trying to make regarding their children.

Becoming a parent is like being married – you can tell the person all about it, but until they experience it for themselves, they never really know what it’s like. People I see for counseling have the best intentions for their children. Because they want what’s best so badly, they seem to lose all ability to make healthy decisions concerning their kids.

I think this is because, as parents we want what’s best for our kids. It’s painful to see our kids in physical or emotional pain, and we want to spare them pain. Because of this, parents do things to ‘rescue’ their children from painful experiences. I see this beginning early in life – parents usually start this as their babies cry because their parents have said ‘no’ to something – and because children are disappointed or unhappy that they’ve been told ‘no’, they cry, throw a tantrum, or otherwise behave in such a way as to show their parents they’re unhappy.

This is the pivotal point in life. As adults, we know life is full of "no"’s. Part of character building is overcoming "no" and dealing with this message. The problem I see is that, as parents we completely forget how important this lesson is in life. What happens instead is parents feel their child’s pain – and they don’t want their child to feel pain. So they change "no" to "yes". Two things happen at this point:

1. the child’s pain disappears immediately, therefore they stop whatever they’re doing to show their parents how happy they are;
2. the child learns that when they act out, their parents will give them what they want.

And this happens.

It wasn’t easy for me to confront my child about using drugs, watch him pee in a cup for a urine screen, and take him to get help (he was experimenting with marijuana in high school). As you can imagine, he was less than happy with me. To him, it was "no big deal". As a parent, I wanted to make sure it remained "no big deal".

The hardest decision I have ever made in my life was telling my 17 year old son he had to leave my home. He stopped attending classes and failed to graduate with his class. The deal was that he had to get passing grades in summer school or find a job for the summer or he would have to move out. He couldn't spend the entire summer watching TV and spending time with his friends.

He'd decided he wanted to repeat his senior year. So he didn't go to summer school and he got a few jobs but only held them for a couple days at a time before he'd quit. At the end of the summer, I had to kick him out. Because in real life, if you don't do what you need to do, you get evicted. It broke my heart but I felt that if I didn't give him the chance to learn this lesson, he would go on believing the world would give in to him, whether he did what he needed to do or not. Learning it now would be very painful for us both. But to learn it later in life might be even more painful. The stakes were high for both of us - would he learn to be accountable for his decisions and would I lose him forever?

It was devastating for me. I wasn't sure it was something from which we could recover.

I didn’t have a close relationship with my son for a couple years. I stayed in touch, and reminded him how much I love him, even though he wasn't speaking to me. It took me a year to clean my son’s room after he left.

But now, we are very close. And my son learned an important lesson. I won’t tolerate irresponsibility, not that anyone behaves responsibly 100% of the time. But when we do act irresponsibly, we have to accept the consequences of our decisions.

Do your kids a favor – help them learn to be responsible. Make hard decisions for them. And they may not make responsible decisions for a while. But that doesn’t mean you cave and rescue them. Because when you rescue them, you aren't doing them any favors; you are really doing it for yourself. Hold your ground and give them the loving, responsible message; be responsible.